Thanks to an inside (and obviously anonymous) source, Fextralife.com has received an exclusive first look at brand new DLC content for From Software’s Dark Souls II. From what we’ve heard, it’s the first of many planned releases over the next year. The first DLC pack will contain oodles of new stuff to keep things lively while dying repeatedly.  When asked what prompted the fast release of DLC for this game, our anonymous source replied:

“We felt that our fans deserved the best experience we could bring to them.  While Dark Souls II is a great game, we just thought that there were a few things missing when it was launched.  Rather than have everyone wait a little longer for release, we just decided to get it on the shelves and then rush some DLC out for the launch window to bring it to the level we wanted.”  

We asked about price, and while the anonymous tipster wouldn’t provide the exact information but did hint that it would surely be less than “a king’s ransom.”  When asked if it would be around a prince’s ransom, the topic was changed rather quickly.  So what will your prince’s ransom get you?  Meet me after the break to find out!

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That was a fast break!

 

So far confirmed content includes:

 

Stickman Armor Set 

Description: “Viscount Stickman,  so obsessed with vanity, commissioned an armor to fit his slender frame.  It is told that the armorer had to lower dimensions to finally forge this work of art.  A feat that ultimately drove him mad.”  

Effect: This armor set provides poor defense but effectively makes your character’s hit box much smaller.  It also allows for greater stealth options as the player character will appear to be a slim grayish line from the side.  Backstabs are prone to missing as there’s barely any back to stab.

 

 

Ring of Salt

Description: “The lands of Drangleic are treacherous, it’s vegetation watered by the tears of sore losers.”

Effect: Online play item. Sends instant hate mail upon death to invader.  No more messy typing

Helm of OP

Description: “OP was an ancient, unmatched warrior of Mirrah. Rumor has it his prowess was more than met the eye. We many never know.”

Effect: Reduces all enemy weapon stats by 75%.

 

 

 

 

Bearded Hammer

Description: “Hammer belonging to Knight Gibbons.  Once lost upon Dusty Hill but was found through a Frank search.  Powerful enough to smash a Hard Rock but gentle like blended shades of Blues.”  

Effect: Special buff with heavy attack allows the player character to discern between two classes of goods while talking with merchants (Rhinestone vs. Cheap).  Does added damage when used to attack enemy Legs

 

 

Lag

Description: “Sorcery from a lost school who sought to emulate a lost deity of cheap victories.”

Effect: Sorcery. Delay all incoming damage by .000006 seconds.

 

 

 

Fex’s Whip

Description: “Whips are widely renowned for their punishment of bare skin.  But where pain comes, pleasure often follows.  While able to cause considerable damage, many foes will willingly walk into the snap of this legendary weapon.”

Effect: Easily destroys enemies at the whim of the user.  However, more subtle snaps often result in the “victim” following the user for life.

 

Honor

Description: “The most nebulous of the miracles of Lindeldt. Just the mere mention of the word drove the masses into a frenzy and it was soon barred from public discussion.”

Effect: Miracle. Causes every enemy and player in vicinity to argue and attack indiscriminately and without reason.

 

 

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Looking for stuff that’s actually in the game? Look here

Looking to punch the author in the face?  Look nowhere.  I’d rather not be punched in the face, plus I had help.  Please distribute ire and loathing accordingly.