Last updated on June 30th, 2017
So you’re tired of all those trolls messing with you and fucking your day up? You’ve finally decided if you can’t beat them join them? Well I’m going to tell you how to troll like a pro.
The first thing you need to is identify what type of troll you are:
Type 1-The Devils Advocate
This is the guy that states the contrary to everything you say. You say you hate Obama, he says he loves the guy (let’s face it, no one loves the guy). You say two-handed swords are the best weapon, he says spears are. This frustrates you to no end, until you slam your keyboard into your monitor or rage log for the evening. This is one of the easiest types of trolling to master. (Trolling mastery required: 3)
Type 2-The Dumbass
This is the guy who interjects the most random bullshit you’ve ever heard into the middle of your “serious” conversation or post. He’ll say such things as, “Miley Cirus is so hot! I’d totally do her if she wore a bag over her head”. Or, “These nachos are so fucking good!”. And finally, “blah blah blah, vagina, vagina, cock and balls”. This totally disrupts the flow of your conversation or post and makes you want to knife someone. Kudos to you troll, mission accomplished. (Trolling mastery required: 2)
Type 3-The English Professor
This is the guy that picks apart your comment or post because you may have misspelled a word or put a comma in the wrong place. He will write paragraphs about how your sentence is unprofessional and worded poorly. WE ALL FUCKING HATE THIS GUY!! This of course, completely derails your entire thread and shreds your credibility into tiny pieces slightly resembling your sanity. Have fun picking up the pieces. May god help you. (Trolling mastery required: 8)
Type 4-The Merchant
This is the guy that is buying things for 10% of their value in a game and sells them for 300% more then they are worth. He spams the chat with his “buying all x for cheap as shit” and “selling x for your soul”. When you ask him if he is serious, he is deadly. He is the stereo type Chinese saleman/Jewish banker. You can argue with him all day, but he’ll never leave nor will he change his prices. Not only that, now that you’ve bothered him he simply spams the chat more. While this type isn’t as bothersome as others, it’s enough to drive you into a rage, which then you take out on your spouse. No sex for you tonight. Well played sir. (Trolling mastery required: 5)
Type 5-The Fisher
This is my favorite type of troll. This is the guy that baits unsuspecting persons into a debate that they cannot win. A relative of the Devils Advocate, this guy(or girl, there are female trolls too) lures in the innocent with such statements as, “Wardens can’t tank” or, “Warriors make the best healers” and finally, “Strength builds are the best”. Seems innocent right? WRONG! Now you feel compelled to correct him and of course he will play you along making you think he actually believes what he is saying genuinely true. This continues for varying lengths of time until you have the “derp” epiphany that he was just fucking with you and you log off in shame OR…you start calling him horrible names that would make even prison guards cringe and you get banned a few days during which time you turn to alcohol and internet porn to make you feel better (multiply the number of days by the number of trolls that chime in. We all know Trolls travel in packs). (Trolling mastery required 6)
Type 6-The Noob
This is the guy that has been around the block, knows his shit and for some reason pretends he doesn’t. Whether it’s because he’s bored, he genuinely enjoys wasting hours of his life or because it makes his pathetic life seem less meaningless to watch others fail, we don’t really know. You go into a dungeon or level and you don’t know what to do so you ask, “Does anyone know how to do this?”…Crickets…So after deciding it’s try or don’t go at all, you start smashing your head against the wall of whatever you are doing all while this guy is sitting in Vent with his friends laughing his ass off at how much of a loser you are. Fast forward 2 hours and you’re still at it. You haven’t eaten or had your cigarette and you are about 6 beers deep and your words are starting to slur. You’re about to give up and go pass out when out of nowhere this guy goes, “Here do this, and I’ll do this and you guys over there do that”. BOOM. Dungeon/level complete. Now you’re staring at your screen in disbelief at why the FUCK this guy didn’t say something 2 hours ago, but you’re too shitfaced to curse him out properly. He logs off and you go cry yourself to sleep mumbling “fuck my life”. (Trolling mastery 6)
Alright, now that that’s done. You need to master the basics. Trolling is a full time job. You can’t be lazy about it. It may seem like fun and games, but Trolling is serious business! In the second half of this segment I will cover the 5 S’s of Trolling and a few ways you can practice to hone your skills. Read on to Part 2!