There comes a point in the career of many a schoolchild where they stumble with delight upon the saying “those who can, do; those who can’t, teach.” The quotation is from George Bernard Shaw’s Man and Superman and is undoubtedly the bane of many in the teaching profession. I have always thought this rather unfair. Let’s say you’re a history teacher. If you were not teaching, how would one “do” history? I also had some teachers myself who had had previous careers, including one who had been a missionary in third world countries, and another who had been a military officer – perhaps leading to a different phrase: “those who already have done, teach.”

Unfortunately, with Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs, the original maxim is appropriate. While Amnesia: The Dark Descent was developed and published by Frictional Games, Frictional subbed development duties to The Chinese Room for this follow-up. The Creative Director for The Chinese Room is Dan Pinchbeck, an academic at the University of Portsmouth in the UK whose research focus is the “significance of narrative within Computer Games.” And boy, does he clearly think his own narrative in this game is Significant (capital ‘s’ here, people).

Ironic, then, that the “superman” referenced in the title of Shaw’s play from which our teaching quotation comes is Nietzsche’s ubermensch, which is in itself referenced in Amnesia: MFP. And it’s not the only literary-philosophical quotation underpinning the game; it starts with a quotation from Dr Johnson and ends with Leon Trotsky, the latter being used to hammer home for the hundredth a point the game wishes to make and the player got the first time around. And herein is the problem with Amnesia: MFP. Not only is it enormously pretentious, but it is clumsy with it.

The Chinese Room previously developed indie hit Dear Esther, which involved a man wandering around an island with occasional disjointed monologues interjecting. There was a lack of defined narrative to Dear Esther that allowed the player to interpret what exactly had happened and what those monologues really meant. This does not suit Amnesia. The point of the game is uncovering what happened to the amnesiac protagonist. This requires narrative design, exposition, and some form of ‘reveal.’ While this is there in principle, it is also surrounded by guff, some of which implication is mutually contradictory (such as the implication a character was killed at a temple in Mexico, but simultaneously also an implication they were killed in London). It’s almost as though the thought was: throw enough imagery around and some of it will stick, and create an atmosphere. It doesn’t.

So, the game mixes up the real children of the protagonist Mandus with the pigman creatures which are also ‘children’ of the antagonist Machine – but the pigs are also simultaneously representative the inhumanity of the modern age. And the futility of human existence. And the struggle of the proletariat (thank you Trotsky). If that wasn’t enough symbolism for you, there’s also a scene in a Church where there is further implication that the millionaire industrialist Mandus was a shepherd to the flock of the poor (whose fate is painfully obvious), while Mandus himself elsewhere rails against religion and decides we need a new god. It’s all so important and significant…shame it doesn’t actually hang together (and by the way, Dan – pigs don’t flock). I’m trying not to provide any spoilers here, but this all builds to such a crescendo the scope of significance becomes the entirety of the planet. This is in direct contrast to the original Amnesia: The Dark Descent, which was credible in the same way a Stephen King novel is credible: a nightmare happening in an isolated side-road to reality, not trying to encompass the meaning of everything and everyone at once.

Considering this is the product of an academic, perhaps this overblown and badly overwritten pomp is not a surprise. But from someone who studies games, the poor design certainly is. The starting mansion appears to be a large environment to explore, but plenty of those bolted-door assets are there to try to distract you from the fact this is just a long corridor. There’s a bathroom with a rotating bathtub concealing secret passages that is just a little bit Scooby Doo. We have audio logs scattered around like this is Ye Olde Deade Space. There’s a sewer level which requires turning valves to let our floodwater, and later on a section which would cause Chief Wiggum to say “ah, the old collapsing walkway routine. That’s some nice work, boys.” And if you walk into the Church expecting there to be a secret passage under the altar….well. I couldn’t possibly comment.

Another contrast to the first Amnesia game is the creatures which represent physical danger to your character. In Dark Descent, this was a shambling Lovecraftian horror you avoided by lurking in the dark, sanity crumbling. It was genuinely terrifying when it showed up. In Machine for Pigs, the threat is from the pigmen, and they are just annoying. Turning off the lantern makes no difference, and you only encounter them in simplistic maze environments, so it’s usually better to leave the lantern on and just run past them to the door.

The music on the title screen is pure 1970s Hammer Horror, someone fires up the organ as soon as you enter the church, and there’s a bit of Germanic operatic singing juxtaposed against discordant strings that is trying far too hard. Hammer, hammy writing, and a legion of pig monsters – the only thing we’re missing is renowned ham actor Anthony Hopkins and we’d not so much have a game as a delicatessen counter.

The question “are videogames art?” is a valid one, but for a videogame to be art it must first also be a videogame to even enter the discussion. Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs does not feel put together for my enjoyment, but to tell the world how dreadfully clever Dan Pinchbeck is. I am not sure we should have to pay for that message.

Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs
Story	Pretentious, with scope way beyond its competence, that is also badly overwritten and presented
Gameplay	Game mechanics? Entirely secondary to the Importance and Significant lessons herein!
Frustration	Medium. The pigs are annoying. You’ll just wander through the rest.
				This is not a good game. So it’s not getting Recommend or Recommended for Genre Fans. Is it therefore “Genre Fans Only?” This has been a difficult decision. But revisiting my own definitions, even a genre fan would find this hijacking of a great story universe into a hackneyed linear walk annoying. Therefore: Avoid.