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SeyroonTheMage

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#1
Today I'm going to point out all the ways in which Chess is sexist, racist, and homophobic. And that is, in every way.

Starting with the Queen. The only girl in the game. Her mobility and versatility ostensibly make her capture desirable. But these qualities are in fact a metaphor for her femininity. The male pieces don't like that a woman is able to express herself so independently on the game board, and so they try to oppress that aspect of her by capturing her.

Then there is the supposed "King." The CIS-gendered Patriarch, the objective is to capture or trap him. But why? He's just a defective Queen, inferior to her in all respects. He is a pathetic man-baby, really. Just dwelling in his castle's throne room all day, being a misogynist... while his wife does all the work!

So why isn't this game about capturing the Queen, again? It makes no sense. I blame the Patriarchy for this. The gendered titles "King" and "Queen" are offensive anyway. They are horrifyingly heteronormative; they are transphobic. In the current political climate, something more inclusive - like, say, "Great Leader" - would be much better. Wouldn't it, comrade?

And why is there only one of each? Why not two of each? Or one without the other? Or none of either? Why can't there be any combination of any number of Kings and/or Queens all living happily in polyamory? Specifically, in cuckoldry? After all, such arrangements were actually quite common, historically, within the royal community. Look it up in any college library.

[TRIGGER WARNING: The hidden text below deals with difficult subjects involving graphic sexual content. If you don't feel safe reading it, don't do it; if you aren't sure, ask an adult or dial 911; if you do read it and later notice any kind of reaction such as shaking, especially literally, notify social media.]
Now I know it's gross, but, just look at the Rook. Its phallic shape and large, hard exterior clearly symbolize the penis, the symbol of male tyranny and female subjugation. Its role starts out small but grows immensely as the game gets longer, its biggest attribute being its propenisity for erecting impregnable barriers around Kings (proving this game for so-called intellectuals is really just, "I Have a Bigger **** than You: The Game").

Or at least, that's the story; the fake news story, spread by Russian GamerGaters working for KKK Grand Super-Wizard Donald [EXPLETIVE REMOVED]. After all, as highlighted in an episode of the hit YouTube series about women in board games, by the show's beloved star - and as subsequently reported, favorably, by the esteemed members of the table-top gaming press - the hate-fueled fact of the matter is that sexually harassing women is the only thing the Rook is truly good at.

He's always hogging the game board, blocking the aisles and leaving no room for the Queen to walk or sit, creating an unsafe space from which she cannot escape the various other pieces' continuous coffee-getting invitations, dad jokes, Tweets, and other such PTSD-inducing **** and death-threats. But his most egregious offense is capturing the Queen. For on account of his sexualized nature, when the Rook in particular does this it mimics the commission of a sex crime. Which in turn influences players to go out and do the same thing to women in real life. That's why Rooks should not only be against the rules, they should be against the law.

And then there's Bishops. They represent the Church, the Biblical persecution of everyone who ever lived and was, therefore, marginalized by evil white racists. They have to rely on shame tactics to propagate their hateful Christian ideology: condemning fat acceptance, gay marriage, abortion and literally everything else as "sins." Pathologically repressed homosexuals, these demented bigots promote socially dangerous ideas based solely on their own deranged delusions: insane conspiracies like the flat Earth and the gender binary. They're a menace to society, and to Chess, and they must be stopped.

And the Knight blatantly glorifies animal abuse. The poor horsies are forced against their will to jump over other pieces and generally go all over the place. It's wrong. Period. There's no question about it; no room for debate; the subject is not even open for discussion. Only those who are proponents of torturing animals for their own sick amusement contend otherwise, and they do not deserve a platform. They are the reason why Chess players are dead. And the game of Chess, is over.

Meanwhile, the only thing Pawns are ever good for is killing themselves. To save the allegedly "major" pieces, CIS-pieces. Indeed, one would have to be mentally ill to relentlessly hurl oneself towards certain death. But it's no wonder Pawns suffer such high rates of suicidal depression: they were born in the wrong body, and the socially constructed rules target them for persecution.

Systemic oppression has robbed them of their very identities, denying their right to exist as individuals and reducing them to the most victimized pieces in the game, in any game. But they wouldn't be, if only Chess culture were more accepting of the rights of Pawns, that they could transition without going all the way across the board first for no good reason.

To put an end to this tragedy, Chess players need to undergo mandatory sensitivity training. They need to understand their unconscious biases to stop viewing Pawns as disposable pieces of trash - as garbage humans - and rather to try to get to know them. Then they need to write a biography for each and every Pawn before each and every game, including but not limited to such details as: at least ten different things relating to their gender identity, and their personal opinion as a Pawn why all white pieces are racist and why all CIS-pieces are transphobic. Last, but not least, they need to learn that it is not okay to put or leave Pawns in positions of vulnerability anymore; for too long the King has been the only one that important, but no more - one might say it is time for the King to "check" his privilege.

Now consider the coloration of the game pieces: beautiful Pieces of Color, and god damn **** white pieces. Guess who, by rule, always gets to go first? This is a huge advantage - and privilege - for the white side. But is there any possible reason why the first turn couldn't have gone to the other side, besides racism??? Absolutely no there isn't, of course, as always!

This is a civil rights violation that demands urgent reforms and reparations. First of all, in celebration of diversity, desegregation should occur so that both sides consist of a mixture of both black and white pieces. Secondly, both sides should always get to go first.

That would be fair, but it could be fairer still: in compensation for past marginalization, Pieces of Color shall receive two moves per turn; moreover, to make up for past transgressions, the extra move shall be paid for by white pieces, by taxing them per move (the player will assume responsibility for any accrued debt, payable to the federal government).

And the grid-based system controlling where pieces can walk is reminiscent of the institution of slavery, and fascist dictatorships. It should be dismantled, entirely; replaced with a grid-less space wherein players may move their pieces according to what they feel is right. And the rules in general create an unfair advantage for female players, in particular, since they reward phallogocentric ideals, logic and reason, over internal vaginal monologue. And they are too confusing for the mentally disabled. And there are too many pieces for the physically disabled. And the pieces are too difficult for the elderly to handle. And they're too dangerous for children to play with. And poor people can't afford them. And the medieval Western theme of the game isn't inclusive of Islamic tradition, and there aren't enough Muslims within the Chess community.

In order to actually implement solutions to all of this, it would be necessary to centralize the game of Chess within a single forum, i.e. Facebook. Which will soon happen, as physical Chess sets increasingly become the next Confederate Flag, Swastika, Pepe, etc. Expect retailers everywhere to stop selling them, and search engines to stop finding them. Expect the passage of legislation making it illegal to own them and prohibiting all pictures, descriptions, or accounts of them. Past and present Chess set owners are already flagged in the CIA's database, and those who fail to voluntarily relinquish their contraband when the time comes will be dragged into the streets and shot. ...Or, you know, fined (but preferably shot). At that point, Chess ceases to exist outside the virtual realm, making it much more manageable to police.

So, to summarize:
    players now start with however many **** caged Kings and/or key carrying Queens they want, which they will refer to as Great Leaders instead;

    the King is now capturable without any particular consequence, just like everybody else;

    the game is now only winnable by trapping or capturing the Queen;

    if any other piece moves into or otherwise ends up in a position where it is attacking (read: sexually harassing) the Queen, that piece is instantly ejected from the match;

    if it is a Rook then the entire move will be censored visually, stricken from the record of moves performed in the game, called the police, and the criminal who put it there will be fined, possibly castrated, and most definitely tried and convicted of ****;

    Bishops have been permanently removed from the game;

    Knights have been permanently removed from the game;

    Pawns may no longer be placed or left in danger in honor of their individual identities as real people - which players must describe in detail, in writing - and they are now able to use whichever restroom they please, as well as transition into Queens or anything else at will at any time if they feel they identify more as one and would like to present that way;

    both sides are now the same color, which is both black and white;

    both sides now get to go first at the same time;

    Pieces of Color now get two moves per turn, subsidized through the taxation of the movement of uncolored pieces which are over privileged;

    the immoral institution of gridery has been abolished, freeing players to move their pieces however they wish;

    players who disagree in any way with anything anyone else does are now automatically blocked, banned, and reported for being a cyberbully, for which they are liable to be hunted down and kidnapped by Antifa, and subsequently locked up in LBGTQFEMA re-education campuses, indefinitely;

    all Chess sets on Earth are to be ritualistically destroyed by fire, immediately, and the U.S. government has the moral and legal authority to seize your Chess set if you own one, and to incinerate you and your family along with it if they do, or for any other reason;

    and finally, Chess will only be playable online on Facebook, and history will be revised to show that it was invented by Mark Zuckerberg, and also that Hillary Rodham Clinton is the official President of Chess as well as the greatest Chess player of all time who everyone loves and admires because of what a cool person she is.

So there you have it: Social Justice Chess. AKA, Feminism: The Board Game: The Video Game: Third-wave Edition.

Rated 10/10 by the mainstream media. "The interactive medium has officially reached maturity" declares Gamespot. While Giant Bomb exclaims, "It's more fun than conducting jihad! Almost." "Checkmate, Alt-Right trolls:" Kotaku boasts, "politically-neutral Chess remake proves there's no such thing as feminist propaganda in gaming." And Polygon - despite reportedly getting stuck on the very first turn of the tutorial with every single member of its staff completely incapable of figuring out the controls in the slightest, many of them totally failing to understand how to even operate a computer or so much as grasp the mouse, and some seemingly and inexplicably demonstrating zero prior knowledge whatsoever of these devices - proudly proclaims, "You don't have to get good at this game to enjoy getting culturally enriched by it."

Pre-order both Episode 1: "The Board" and Episode 2: "The Pieces" now and you will automatically receive them whenever. Plus, enter the promo code "# **** White Pieces" at checkout to receive 1-month FREE enrollment in the Closed Beta Club for early access to "The Engine" DLC, someday! Best of all, Kickstarter backers will unlock an exclusive DLC skin that makes every Chessperson in every match they play the same color: rainbow, ensuring a more diverse coloration of Chesspeople.
Last edited by SeyroonTheMage on Fri Jul 14, 2017 3:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Fexelea

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#3
This made me rofl xD
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skarekrow13

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#4
Wasn't this drafted as a blog piece?

Also, I admit I laughed pretty hard
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Fexelea

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#5
It was, but it's a bit too provocative for the blog - no matter how many disclaimers we put that opinions of authors don't represent the site itself.
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EldritchImagination

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#6
This remonds me of a video about an article some professors wrote on why global warming is sexist. They did it to see just how ridiculous their collage's publishers are, writing it in such a way that they could even understand it. Here it is.

Watch on youtube.com
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Fexelea

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#7
I had seen the social justice construct penis thing and it is indeed hilarious that it was taken seriously. We need some reality checks in academia before everyone goes off the deep end.
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skarekrow13

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#8
@Fexelea that makes sense.
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SilkyGoodness

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#9
It is important to look into why that paper got published. Now this could be a corporation saving face, however it appears far more likely that the inherent bloated nature of corporate beurocracy combined with the supposed automated system got this publish. The hoax article is so painfully obvious in being nothing but buzzwords and jargon that you'd have to have never read a single paper about gender studies(however incompetently made) in order to be fooled by it. I suggest reading the article fully because it really shows how obviously a joke it is. Here is the company that published it explaining how it got published at all: https://www.cogentoa.com/article/10.108 ... 17.1330439

There are bad professors that teach stupid nonsense of course, however assuming they have some conspiratorial "Cultural Marxists" agenda or that academia is somehow not deep in the pockets of corporate interests is a pretty ignorant stance to take. Sure schools may be mostly liberal in some departments, but liberalism is just a center right ideology that has a different approach to upholding the capitalist status quo. Leftism, and the red scare is still deeply engrained into academia. We're still taught about how, "Karltual Marx lead Soviet China and killed 100 billion people," or something similarly absurd where they add things like lower birthrates to the supposed death tolls. Since the state exists to uphold capitalist ideas, and all schools are run by either the state or corporations of course they have a vested interest in suppressing information on leftist thought. Even if you for some reason don't buy that the state enforces capitalist interests leftism necessitates a violent overthrow of the current system, the state included, in order to establish socialism, the Capitalist class of course would never give up their control over the means of production willingly of course, as such because of the liberal anti-violence fictional world academia love sin that so pushed by the state, we can't possibly allow revolutionary thought.

Nevermind that our founding fathers believed we needed to have constant revolution to overthrow the new corrupt government (sounds like Trotsky tbh).

So yeah academia needs a reality check. They need to learn real meaningful change requires blood be spilt. You can't stop any form of violence with hugs, and cute signs, or votes in a corrupt system. So why would the violence of capitalism be any different?

Oh and don't forget the myth of gun control being promoted by the left. The proles need armed, and any attempt to disarm the working man should be treated as tyrannical.
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EldritchImagination

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#10
SilkyGoodness wrote:Oh and don't forget the myth of gun control being promoted by the left. The proles need armed, and any attempt to disarm the working man should be treated as tyrannical.


I don't know about this. I watched Angry Joe's 4th of July video (where he shoots a bunch of guns) , and there were quite a few people very strongly against it, saying guns should be strictly regulated, and some saying banned entirely for the common citizen. I don't know about those people being left, but there are some people who really, really don't like people having guns.
Normality is a banality. Reality is a fallacy. Alter your perception, open your mind, and expand your world...with odd thoughts, eccentric beliefs, and an eldritch imagination.
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