Anything without a home!
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EldritchImagination

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#4241
I got a job now. Tree and yard service. Lots of machines, lots of heavy lifting. Pays not the greatest, but for a first job, I'll take what I can get. May finally be able to get internet back at my house again.
There once was a hunter from Nantuckit
Who was going to die anyway, so he said, "fu*k it!"
"I’ll hunt the beasts of Yarnam.
To get blood vials, I’ll farm them,
and kill them all before I kick the bucket."
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EldritchImagination

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#4242
also, if anyone wants a steam key for Dust, here
KX30X-3RQ8K-HD774

First come, first serve
There once was a hunter from Nantuckit
Who was going to die anyway, so he said, "fu*k it!"
"I’ll hunt the beasts of Yarnam.
To get blood vials, I’ll farm them,
and kill them all before I kick the bucket."
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qeter

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#4243
no internet at house huh? sounds uninhabitable.
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ElCazador

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#4244
I came to ask myself a question: Am I really a good guy?
The concept of being a good person depends on perspective, but I can't count myself as a good person in my own view anymore. I still can't harm another being, yes, but I've changed. I can no longer feel sympathy, or feel love for another person. I just keep hating and hating. And more hating. It's like I'm being corrupted by something, which I can't quite put my finger on.
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Fexelea

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#4245
Are you just having a sad phase? I've never got the impression of you being a hateful person in any way. Have a hug :big hug:
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qeter

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#4246
ElCazador wrote:I came to ask myself a question: Am I really a good guy?
The concept of being a good person depends on perspective, but I can't count myself as a good person in my own view anymore. I still can't harm another being, yes, but I've changed. I can no longer feel sympathy, or feel love for another person. I just keep hating and hating. And more hating. It's like I'm being corrupted by something, which I can't quite put my finger on.

do you think hate depends on understanding?
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ElCazador

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#4247
@qeter
Hate is a difficult feeling, compared to love. Love is simple, you develop feelings of fondness towards something, then it reaches another phase which I regard as strong fondness, but hate on the other hand, is more complex. It's as strong as a small source of light in total darkness. The more you peer at it, the stronger it becomes, and you'll eventually get blinded by it. Have you gazed long at the sun, that when you look away, you still see its silhouette?

I think as dear Fex mentioned, I'm just going through a sad phase. This also explains why I began to like Slave Knight Gael's character all of a sudden, without even meeting the guy in-game.
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Reaperfan

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#4248
ElCazador wrote:Hate is a difficult feeling, compared to love. Love is simple, you develop feelings of fondness towards something, then it reaches another phase which I regard as strong fondness, but hate on the other hand, is more complex. It's as strong as a small source of light in total darkness. The more you peer at it, the stronger it becomes, and you'll eventually get blinded by it. Have you gazed long at the sun, that when you look away, you still see its silhouette?


I don't think hate is all that complicated really. Way I've always seen it is that hate and love are just two sides of the same coin. They're the same emotion, just one is positive and the other negative. You mention a light in darkness or residual light from looking at the sun, but I can also see those analogies applying to love as well. The only difference is that with love it's a positive emotion that grips you, grows with you, and can even consume you. That said...

ElCazador wrote:I came to ask myself a question: Am I really a good guy?
The concept of being a good person depends on perspective, but I can't count myself as a good person in my own view anymore. I still can't harm another being, yes, but I've changed. I can no longer feel sympathy, or feel love for another person. I just keep hating and hating. And more hating. It's like I'm being corrupted by something, which I can't quite put my finger on.


I'm reminded of Louis CK's standup bit about him not being a good person.

I actually find comedy to be a great source of perspective on things. The saying goes "it's funny because it's true," and that's because if we didn't know "it" to be true we wouldn't find "it" funny. So when something's being done as a piece of observational comedy (as in you have to be able to distinguish that it's not parody or absurdist or something) it can actually glean pieces of wisdom when you look past the comedy and take the message to heart.

For the Louis CK bit there, he's referencing various ways in which he realizes that he's NOT a good person, and what I get from the bit is that a large part of it all is your actions. The core of the bit is that he thinks up things a good person would do, but never actually acts on them. This lack of action is what makes him feel guilty when he takes enjoyment out of the good thoughts he's having because the lack of action makes those good feelings undeserved. All of that to say, what you're FEELING isn't as important as how you ACT on those feelings.

You say you're losing touch with your emotional connectivity and feeling in a downward spiral. What makes you a good or bad person isn't the feelings themselves, it's how you choose to act out those feelings. This could be anything from just talking about it and figuring out a way to turn things around to get back to feeling better, to full-on Rick and Morty style of embracing the negativity but learning to use it as motivational fuel for something more productive. Bottom line of everything I've said is this:

Go DO something.

Don't just sit around and think. Thinking on it's own will only accelerate the spiral of trapping yourself in your thoughts and, if those thoughts are negative will continually make those thoughts worse. Thinking is only good if those thoughts fuel actions, and it's your actions that will TRULY determine how you feel about yourself and others. All that's left at that point is to make sure your actions are aimed in a positive direction rather than a negative one.

--------------------------------------------

Last thing to note, and I don't mean to scare you and may be getting a little personal from my side of things here but what you're describing sounds very similar to the way I felt during the period of my life where I had a case of clinical cyclical anxiety and depression. This is why I advise as strongly as possible getting out there and doing something with these emotions. It was the anxiety that killed my positivity and spiraled me down constant negative thoughts, but it was the depression that prevented me from being able to feel any emotional connection with others as well as stopping me from being able to actually use any of the negativity for any actual change in my life.

Again, I really don't mean to scare you. All I mean is that if this ends up being more than just a "downer phase" and these thoughts last for more than a few weeks, you should probably seek professional help. I didn't even know I had a condition and thought I was just a cynical person or something for almost 15 years, and only looking back now that I was talked into getting treatment do I realize how it was the source of every major downwards turn in my life.

--------------------------------------------

I don't actually know you, but I can tell you aren't a bad person. The fact that you realize your situation and don't like it is enough evidence for that. Put your thoughts into actions that will help others, and if you absolutely for some reason can't bring yourself to do that then don't be afraid to seek help. Wishing you the best :)

EDIT: Why is none of my formatting working? :(

EDIT 2 - Electric Boogaloo: I think I figured it out

EDIT 3 - Edit's Revenge: Yup, figured it out
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EldritchImagination

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#4249
ElCazador wrote:I came to ask myself a question: Am I really a good guy?
The concept of being a good person depends on perspective, but I can't count myself as a good person in my own view anymore. I still can't harm another being, yes, but I've changed. I can no longer feel sympathy, or feel love for another person. I just keep hating and hating. And more hating. It's like I'm being corrupted by something, which I can't quite put my finger on.


Sounds like me when I started watching global news and politics. It's hard to feel compassion, understanding, and love when the world is so full of things and people both filled with and targets of hate, discrimination, and utter apathy.

Also, completely agree with Reaper on the doing something advice. If you just brood, you'll only become more broody. Find something you enjoy, and invest yourself in that. A hobby, a passion, your work, a project. Maybe get a pet. My cat is always a source of positive emotional reinforcement.
There once was a hunter from Nantuckit
Who was going to die anyway, so he said, "fu*k it!"
"I’ll hunt the beasts of Yarnam.
To get blood vials, I’ll farm them,
and kill them all before I kick the bucket."
Avatar

ElCazador

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#4250
I actually have a few stuff on mind that didn't manage to get done. Waiting for someone's reply (ahem Dream Negative's reply) before going full throttle on the project.
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