Skarekrow13 was born with a rare gift:

To annoy the crap out of his loved ones with observations during their favorite things, completely sucking the fun out of the moment (for them, I find myself amusing).  Thanks to the “magic” of the internet, this  can now be brought directly to your eyeballs.  Behold as I try my best to tear down the things many of you love as well. Hurray?!?

WARNING.  The first person to look at this Over the Top, vitriol filled rant and tell me to “let it go” will probably get kicked in the nads.  Should you not have “nads” then replace that sentiment with “uppercut.”  Only add an extra letter.  I won’t tell you where to add the letter, but I will say that there’s a good chance the letter in question comes between “m” and “o.”

There.  Glad we got some ground rules out of the way.

Frozen is a charming, computer animated, soon to be classic made by Disney in 2013.  I’m less than three years late on this one so I’m getting better (November release).  Also, instead of stills from the movie I figured Disney would be less apt to lawyer me into oblivion if I illustrated this edition myself.  This will prove to be terrible.

By now you should know the story: Teenage girl with some “baggage” gets slightly upset with her younger sister and condemns her entire kingdom to a permanent, hellish winter.  She takes off and is followed by the aforementioned sister (man I love “aforementioned”) into the mountains.  In typical Disney fashion, some weird shit happens that should be disturbing but is presented as “cute.”  I’ll concede the movie is fun with many catchy songs and memorable one liners.  But let’s dissect it…

The movie begins with Elsa nearly killing Anna (perfect viewing for children) with her super awesome ice powers.  She’s like Sub Zero with a better singing voice.  To fix Anna up, her parents race toward the only logical choice for medical care:  Magic Trolls.

The trolls fix up Anna and erase any memories she has of her sister’s magic.  I don’t really know why they’d obliterate a foundational memory of someone Anna SHOULD be in close contact with for the rest of their lives. Maybe they were worried she’d incessantly ask Elsa for snow cones and spoil a lifetime of dinners?  Anyway, then the trolls caution Elsa’s parents that fear is her greatest enemy and that she should learn to control her powers to avoid future problems.  This is a great idea. Which makes it really interesting when the next few scenes show Elsa’s parents basically saying “Man, **** those trolls and their jive advice.”  Shitty parenting is a central plot point.

Instead of learning to control her power, they attempt to make her hide it. I suppose “repression” is a form of control. Alternatively, they could have gone with “harness.”  This would have allowed them to do some parenting that wasn’t constantly harping on Elsa about “anytime you feel some feelings, your powers will come out and you’ll probably kill people.” Elsa’s parents have browbeaten this message into her so well that she actively avoids all physical contact with other human beings and completely isolates herself.  They show this. That shit is actually in the movie. Isn’t that really messed up?  And to top it off, they shut the entire castle down which serves to isolate Anna too, who becomes so starved for human emotion she agrees to marry literally the first guy she runs into (also literally).

Let’s go on a tangent here.  The best song in the movie is the duet with Anna and the dude she runs into (Hans).  My determination of “best song” is absolute and undeniable.  Don’t question it.  For the record, “Let it Go” is alright, and working “fractals” into the lyrics is endearing to the nerd in me.  But the amount of cliche “angst” in the lyrics is so forced, I assumed the movie would end with an electrician finding Elsa dead on the floor with a blunderbuss under her chin.  Anyway, this duet is ruined in later viewings of the movie because we eventually discover that Hans is an asshole.  That’s fine I guess.  Ruin the damn song. Whatever.  This is at least in line with the character tricking Anna. Which brings me to the real rant.

Han’s first meeting with Anna is deliberately deceptive (to the audience) and contrary to the character’s internal motivations.  Remember when they meet, Anna almost falls in the water…ha ha ha ha…some stuff with a horse…Hans falls in the water. He looks up at her with an expression of love and affection that convinces the viewer “wow, love at first sight.”  Toward the end of the movie he throws it in Anna’s face that this is completely false.  I’d like to note something critical to his expression of unbridled love: NO ONE is watching him at the time except us.  There are no characters in the movie he needs to convince or deceive.  There is no reason for these two or three seconds of the movie to exist except to lie to children.  Are you happy now Disney?

Back to the story, after Elsa blows a gasket because Anna wants to marry Hans (and his poorly developed internal motivations), she runs off.  Anna decides to follow her and of course leaves Hans in charge.  Let’s step back a second.  It’s conoration day!  Elsa is finally old enough to be Queen!  Hurray! Party! Exclamation points! Their parents have been dead a little while though.  Soooo…isn’t there a Regent or some crap who had been ruling in her stead since she wasn’t technically Queen until that day?  No offense Anna, you seem like a sweet kid, but THAT person would have probably been the easy choice to leave in charge since they’ve kinda been doing it already.  Or Hans.  Hans is good.

Their parents REALLY screwed them up.

So then there’s some big dude selling carrots and winter dresses, and a reindeer and Kristoff and Olaf and all that.  They find Elsa, there’s some songs, Hans turns out to be a dickweed, yadda yadda, love…Elsa finally harnesses her power, cool particle effects, and then ice skating.  That’s the movie.  Everyone loves Elsa’s ice powers now and cold drinks were had by all.  Uuuuh huh…

But there’s one more glaring problem.  Elsa just happens to be God and her actual power is pretty much ignored by everyone.

How is it that no one actively questions her ability to create sentient lifeforms for ****’s sake?!?  Anna finds it a little weird that there’s a real, live, talking Olaf and then immediately shrugs this off and forges onward.  “Hey Skare, maybe Olaf isn’t sentient, but a manifestation of all the play time the two girls had as children?”  Oh yeah, like maybe he’s really just reciting memories.  Maybe…but then there’s Marshmallow.  He shows independent motivation by taking the crown at the end.  And even if you question sentience, it’s still LIFE she’s creating.  It got worse when they released the short film “Frozen Fever” which has tiny living snowmen called “Snowgies” appear every time Elsa sneezes.  Think about this plot point.  Every time she sneezes she CREATES LIFE.  Why does no one seem to care about this? It’s sort of a big deal.

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