We return to Boletaria after falling to the Tower Knight and confronting the Armored Spider By “we” I of course mean “me.” But not really “me” either. Digital me. His name is “Ded.” Well, “Ded 2” to be precise. I can explain. Really. I’m just not going to right now. Also, his name is going to change by the end of this story. Anyway, here we go again with my Return to Boletaria: Tales of a Born Again n00b!

 

 

 

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Chapter 3
“Bro, Do You Even Trick?”

I just squashed a spider and now find myself at a crossroads.  Do I return to seek vengeance on the Tower Knight?  Or do I dig deeper into Stonefang?

I decide on Stonefang. I strut my stuff down the corridor after the spider. I veer right.  A few miners get stabbed.  Nothing major.  I peer into the abyss, knowing: “Thar there be Flamelurkers.”(1)

Left it is!  I deftly “sprint” past a few mine carts with what look like items glowing on top.  The explosion behind me provides not only the satisfaction of a deep rumble throughout the living room, but also that my memory declares victory again(2).  I’m greeted with a Minister who is unaware that the small wooden support I keep ducking behind isn’t flammable.  Chump.

I walk past the elevator and into a small tunnel. I almost get killed by the miner I know is waiting for me.  It turns out that there’s a piece of fossilized whatchamajigger blocking my entire view of the fight.  I’m much better at backpedaling than I used to be.  I seem to recall this leading to my death a few times in a past life.  With that out of the way I find myself staring at a little blue lizard.  Throwing caution to the wind I chase it.  With a tremendous burst of speed and intelligence I cut it off before the path ends and we both die.  With a tremendous burst of “f*** you” the lizard rolls off the ledge as it dies(3).

I walk back.  A little slower, head hanging slightly. I grab some lootz by the ledge to be “surprised” by a small version of the sand worms from Beetlejuice.  If I recall correctly, they don’t like being shot in the mouth with an arrow.  This memory turns out to be as accurate as my archery skills at point blank range.  This level of accuracy is known as “very.”

Confidence built up again, I explore this little area.  I find some treasure and see some ledges below me.  I know there’s treasure down there.  I take some time finding the drop point. I can see it clearly.  I line it up beautifully and take a single step forward.  And far too many “steps” vertically.

This time the Minister realizes my “hide behind the beam” trick and manages to land a fireball after moving around the pillar.  I still get him though. What a chump (says the guy who just plummeted to his death).

Second time’s the charm and I nail the jump.  I work my way down and find myself boxed in by a small army of pill bugs that are covered in lava(4).  And really big for pill bugs.  They also don’t take a lot of damage from anything I’ve got equipped.  Sigh……

Hit.  Evade. Hit. Evade.  Hit Evade Hit evade hit evade hit evade hitevadehitevadehitevadehitevadehitevadehitevadehitevade…. You get the idea.

I work my way around and see a rather dapper gentleman with a spear and shield waving to me(5).  Hi there!  I have some treasure I’d like to collect first.  I kill a sand worm, collect the shiny and find myself to the side of a really large trapped pill bug.  Keh heh heh….I remember this.  Hit [strike]evade [/strike]hit hit hit hit hit hithithithithithithit!

RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!!!!(6)

That’s it!  Game over.  Time to stop playing.  There is nothing.  NOTHING!  That is more satisfying than turning to watch the explosion and seeing Patches go flying on his face.

After I stop laughing I go check on my new “buddy.”  He asks how I did that. I laugh a little more.

“I’m onto you buddy”

I find some more treasure and, wait, what?  I can’t carry it?  Crap.  Bye bye thief ring. Hello bigger item burden(7).  This serves as a warning though.  I can’t pack rat so much these days.  Visions of struggling with a Tower Shield(8) come back to me.

I decide to press further on.  There’s one shiny in particular I’m after.  I do the dance with a large number of flying pill bugs.  They take more damage than their ground counterparts but like to group up more efficiently.  Time. That’s all it takes to kill them.

I enter through a fog gate to find: Another tunnel.  Then of course an even bigger pill bug.  Ain’t got time for that!  I use a side tunnel to run by it.  I’m a little sad that I make my way to the dragon long sword(9) with no difficulty whatsoever.  With shiny in hand I make my way back.  I have too many souls to lose them now. The comfort of the Nexus is calling.

It’s a mostly uneventful trip back to level up and drop things off.

Do I call it a night, or should I at least treat myself to more shinies?

Shinies.

Back to Stonefang.  But this time I brave the drop to the Flamelurker. I get killed by miners once.  Turns out they tend to surround you even if you only “accidentally” sliced a peaceful one apart while fighting an aggressive one.

I miss a jump and die.  I get my treasures the next time.  Finally, I’m at the bottom safely.  I get more treasures.  I approach the really big fog door.  I put on my new ring of fire resistance. I make my way to the left in case I need to buy time (I can always get him stuck on that ribcage)(10).  We tango!

After gallantly deciding that the Flamelurker can wait(11), I want to end my night on a high note. Hello Tower of Latria Archstone(12).  It’s time to kill me a mindflayer(13)!  You wanna ring a bell?  In my house?!?  Ain’t happening!

I puff up my chest, stroll in and proceed to backstab the first mindflayer like a coward.  That’ll show him!  At long last, I find a new set of armor.  I try it on (except I keep the fluted helmet).  It looks nice.  I can actually run now.  It’s official: NEW THREADS(14)!  I try to fight a mindflayer without the whole cowardice thing going on.  I win!

Looks like chapter 4 will again be a crossroads:  Will I finally defeat the Tower Knight?  Or shall I try to make my way past an ungodly number of mechanized crossbows, temporarily invisible enemies, and show how big of a man I am by taking on a small woman(15)?

(1) Ahhhh the Flamelurker. I suppose you could say he lurks in flames. You could also say he’s the second boss of the second area and is widely known as one of the most aggressive and hard to fight bosses head on.
(2) These shinies aren’t items unless “item” refers to “glowing thing that explodes and kills you”
(3) Leaving me with the pride of the kill but zero treasure
(4) Exactly what it sounds like
(5) This guy is known as “Patches.” His gimmick is that he points out what looks like treasure to you. Thanks! Except it’s a TRAP! AAAAAHHHHHHHHH! So he’s actually trying to get you killed so he can take your s***
(6) Pill bugs must eat some weird stuff. Because when they get big, they explode when they die. This one is really big. Meaning it’s a huge explosion (that Patches wanted me to get caught in)
(7) So yes, this game has an item burden limit. I reached mine but always carry a ring to increase it so I can continue hoarding things I’ll never use
(8) It’s a shield based off of the Tower Knight’s. As in “really big and heavy.” The first time I ever found this it caused me to become severely overburdened and ditch other items like arrows and grass to carry it back
(9) I’ve been using a long sword this whole time. But this one burns things. It’s a nice temporary upgrade
(10) So there’s a giant ribcage in the Flamelurker arena. Remember how I said he was aggressive and hard to fight head on? Yeah, he’s also a dumbass. He can’t always figure out how to walk around the ribcage meaning he gets stuck and you can thumb your nose at him at your leisure
(11) This “gallant decision” was brought you by the letters “Y,” “O,” “U” and “D,” “I,” “E,” “D”
(12) Latria is the third section of the game and is known for it’s prison and swamp. In that order
(13) I don’t know what they’re called in Demon’s Souls, but they look like the Mindflayers from AD&D. They use some hardcore magic and ring bells like they’re trying to ward off evil spirits. Either I’m not an evil spirit or they’re not ringing it hard enough
(14) It’s cloth armor that’s meant for a mage but it really highlights my package and let’s me move faster
(15) All references to things in Latria. You’ll see. At least I hope you will. Please come back to read more. Please!

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Read Chapter 1         Read Chapter 2                                                                                      Continue to Chapter 4

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