Last updated on July 25th, 2015
Part 6: A Silver Knight, a Rock, and a Hard Place…
Last time on Dark Souls Babe to Dark Lord: I moved through the serpent mansion, was burned alive, and experienced the violent power of Black. Iron. TARKUS!
(Author’s note: There are a lot of references to past episodes in this episode, so if you didn’t read the old ones, well… you should do that. You don’t want to be lost now, do ya?)
So yeah… I made it to Anor. Great. I’m glad. I’m sure things won’t be as difficult as they were at Sen’s. I mean, come on, right? That place was insane! I’m sure I’m on the path to easy goings now.
At first I check both ends of the huge walkway, opposite the castle. I know there were respective Giant and Human sections in Anor, but this area is huge! I ran out of breath twice before I get from the Anor bonbon to my destination. Is that because it’s a long way, or because I have a pathetic stamina bar? That’s for you to decide.
I learned my first lesson in do-not-screw-with-the-giants-protecting-treasure, so the next time I went on the path to the left. A giant protects the walkway upward, and he wasn’t too fond of me trying to pass him up, despite my polite coughs for him to ‘beat it.‘ I tried settling our differences democratically, but he kept voting for “smash ground with Halberd,” even though that was not one of the options I gave him. In the end, I had to come down to his level, and come to his level I did, with a crushing Halberd of my own.
After a small scrimmage, I walked up the path to see what lay ahead. I was greeted by a blinding light, brilliantly orange, which covered the area forward. Could I pass through it? No. It wouldn’t let me. Apparently, the force of the gods prevented my forward progression into this area. Hmm. Gods. Alrighty then…
I walked back down, this time moving directly forward from the bonbon entrance. There was a platformavator, which brought me down closer to the castle’s level, and it is there that I found an old enemy: the gargoyle. And this time with no phantom god to assist me. Time to truly test my mettle against this beast.
I ended its life, and walked forward until there was no more ground to walk on. The elevator, which I heard a little bit about from YouTube videos, was not on my level. “Perhaps I could jump to it?” My death proved otherwise. “Perhaps I need to get a running start first?” My death proved otherwise.
After another day of real-world time, I finally figured out where to go. “Hey, maybe I should walk on this seemingly unstable architecture!” Turns out, that’s exactly what you’re supposed to do. Okay. I thought I was breaking the game, but after reaching the top and seeing that hole in the window I was reassured. Finally: progression! And this time I wasn’t even held up by a enemy – just a cussing puzzle.
I crept inside, and observed the inside’s contents. A grand hall, dedicated to a certain artifact; what that artifact is I won’t learn this playthrough. I was shocked out of my sightseeing, however, from a jumping, white hooded person, I assume an undead. It held swords in both hands (an early member of the dual-wielding master race), extremely short swords, almost daggers, and gave chase.
I went about disarming him/her, but was cut short by another one, throwing knives at me. Knives have never been an issue, damage wise, but nonetheless it was annoying. So what did I do? I ran over, and killed it, almost killing myself in the process. Dealing with two is not as easy as dealing with one, I assure you.
I climbed up the ladder and proceeded to fight these enemies I just said I didn’t enjoy, on balance beams. Oh joy. In all seriousness, though, it went fairly well. I didn’t die. And, I was even confident enough to jump to the fog gate. Things were looking up.
Walked outside, pushed the glorified lever, and the elevator moved to its more happy position. Now for the upwards. Up the stairs I go, expecting an easy entry into the castle, except no. The doors are shut. Well, that’s fine. I’ll just go arou-
Two giants approach from each side. Panicking, I block one of their attacks, and run for the human sized door. Locked. Here is where I find out what it’s like to be in one of those movies. You know? Like in Jurassic Park where the little girl’s like, “OH MY GOD, KEEP HITTING THE DOOR! IT WILL OPEN THROUGH MY WILL ALONE. IN TIMES OF FEAR, I BECOME A LOCKSMITH/DOORSMITH.” One of those.
And still you sit there, saying, “Dude. You can, like, run. You’re letting that Raptor open the door to your death when you just stand there, screaming like that.” But let me tell you, in that moment, there is no proper reasoning going on in my head. Just three thoughts. “Door. Locked. Death.” Could I have ran away? Probably. Did I? No; I stood and let my brain shoot out of my kneecaps.
Luckily for me, brains re-enter your head upon death. Be kind of hard to play with an empty thinker.
So I go back, this time taking a right. Giant door is open,and happily allows me entry. Okay, so now there are these Giants chasing me, gotta escape them. What’s this? Pinky harpies? Are they nice? Unfortunately no. So, to save time, I will tell you I died here five more times, and then came back the next day.
I came up with many strategies for getting past this new cuss-fest, including, as many have said to me, “gitting gud.” I made it past the flesh harpies, and found the new Silver Knights, with bows the size of me in their hands, shooting arrows of “Hahaha . Are you serious? You know what, breathing isn’t what it’s cracked up to be. Good bye world. It wasn’t nice knowing you.”
I made it through the Valley of Death, and confronted one of them. I took a few swings at him, but then he pulled out a sword of his own. Now, I’m terrified of this thing. I’ve seen Black Knights, and I thought these would be stronger versions of them, due to their similar appearance, so I was not screwing with this thing. As it swung I kept my shield up and my mouth shut. It kept hitting me until we were both squished on the small ledge, camera losing its mind behind me. Eventually the creature fell. I took a quick metal note: Silver knight needs to take gravity lessons.
I went through the gate, and began searching for the bonbon. If the gate wasn’t a boss, there must be one nearby. Must be! When I found it, I was ecstatic.
“Yes! Hey Solaire!! Getting to this bonbon, thank you! Okay, light. Light. What? Why isn’t it lighting!?”
You are being invaded by The Harbinger of All Things Unholy. Prepare to Die.
Well, at least it was nice enough to warn me right? So I popped a humanity, immediately begin punching summon signs, looking for help, and closed the door. Help does arrive, but not before The Harbinger enters the room. I fend him off with my shield, then the phantom took over. It becomes apparent upon the first hit that neither me or my phantonic companion were capable of fighting this Harbinger. So, in this great time of need, my phantom companion ran away… “Excuse me? Your life isn’t in peril here. You came to help me, buddy. You stay and die, like a man, while I run like a pansy.”
We both went out into the hallway, followed by The Harbinger. We both fought him, and I was throwing down an estus every 10 seconds just to keep phantom and I standing. Then, a silver knight appeared from behind. Was I prepared? No. The phantom moved the Harbinger away, and I confronted the Silver Knight. Things were being managed, but then, at the bottom of my screen, i saw that my friend had died. Without much time to react, a spinning slash attack ended me.
Well, there’s nothing like dancing on architecture, fighting enemies I am in no way powerful enough to face. I sent him a congrats on my brutal death saying, “That was the worst time to invade, well done.” All I’ll say about his reply is, he’s a sore winner.
I made it back to my own personal Omaha Beach, with no deaths and little trouble. I light that cussing bonbon, and cool my shattered nerves with some Super Meat Boy, followed by Battleblock Theater. (Insert shameless indie promotion ftw) Upon returning the next day, I explored the entire area, died a couple of times, found Seigmeyer – that silly cuss – and entered the main chamber. I was informed by the Commander that the Black Eye Orb would come into play in this area, and come into play it did.
I used it, and I was transported to Lautrec’s world. That silly gank. Of course, if you paid attention to earlier episodes, you’ll see that I died somewhere in the range of 26-28 times. Not healing is the equivalent to punching real-me in the face while I try to play this game, upside down.
Also, during this time, I found a couple of Silver Knight Straight Swords. (SKSSs for short) Their base damage was better than my Halberd, so yeah… Lightbulb: “Let’s use the SKSS!” Well, it had a significantly larger faith requirement than I had.
So what’s the next plan? Collect souls on the way to Lautrec, fight him, probably die, repeat process, keep retrieval-ing, and eventually use souls to level up Faith? Awesome plan, yeah? Well, it worked. (After three days of work) But I didn’t read about its scaling, so it ended up sucking. So yeah… Oops.
Also, I did eventually kill Lautrec. With that SKSS. And with a sizable amount of cheating. Not a gank spank, just me destroying Lautrec. (I learned that if one can kill the host, and the battle’s basically over. From then on, it was Lautrec’s blood I was looking for)
Yes! I made it! I can finally walk through this hall; as if I couldn’t before. I mean, I could’ve not used the Black eye, but whatever. I see the Giant Blacksmith near an offshoot, and bought the repair box he had, (Andrei coming to haunt me) plus upgraded shtuff. After that, I went down stairs, and opened the doors, all the while avoiding combat with the Giants. Then, I do what you all know I had to do. I fought Dragonslayer Ornstein and Executioner Smough.
So, bros, most of you should know this fight, especially since I banished the DS virgins in episode 1. By that logic, all of you know this fight, but for the sake of storytelling, I will tell you about it. Smough is thrice times taller than you. His armor’s covered in grossness, looking like an ugly set of saggy naps. (Naps is Scandinavian for nipples.) Also, he’s holding a giant hammer the size of NOPE. The trade-off is he’s kinda slow, but his attacks are powerful. So yeah.
Ornstein’s the small cuss. Bigger than you, of course, but smaller than Smough. He’s armored, duh, but his differential is that he’s got a lion motif helm. He wields the spear of AAAHH! You want to know why it’s the spear of AAAHH? Because it was used to kill dragons. He’s not called dragonslayer for nothing. The spear is specifically tailored for the death of Dragons. Also, he uses lightning. So how easy can it kill me? Lets find out.
I lasted no seconds. Next four times I did better, marginally. I proceeded to use Humanity to summon up friends, but that didn’t go well at all. So time warp.
(Fast forward a week)
Superdude100001 has discovered Fextralife. I will tell this story next episode, because it’s kind of long. I will say that in the midst of looking up strategems for O&S murder, I came across this site. And also fell in love with the in-depth gamer articles being posted here. Cuss to the yeah, I was hooked. And now, to proceed with O&S murder.
I fought them, many times. Each time, getting better, if only a little bit. Two tries before finally winning, I managed to get Ornstein to his super form single-handedly. (To explain for story purposes, when you kill one, the living one absorbs the dead one’s energy, becoming more powerful, and healing to full health) So, I popped a Humanity, and prepared for the coming storm. Summoning two bros, I went in the room. We danced around, two on Ornstein, me on Smough. I wanted Ornstein’s soul, but I didn’t convey this to those two. So Ornstein fell first, Smough crushed him, and entered his super form – which is exactly like his original form, but with lightning.
It was easily dispatched. You defeated. Soul collected. Friends wave bye-bye.
As I approached the elevator, I explored the past. Did I feel elation? No. The joy that fans, Pewdiepie, (who was in the middle of his DS playthrough at the time) and countless others say is the lifeblood of this game, isn’t present in me. “Why?” I asked myself. Obviously because these wins were not on my terms. They are on others; the phantom’s skill, not my own. But I couldn’t stop. I’ve used them too many times. I was too far in. There’s no way to gain what has been lost. So, I continued onward, more than ever aware of my inevitable fate.
I saw Lady Gwinny, who I knew due to lore videos was a fake. She gave me the Lordvessel, and I marched to the bonbon. Not in joy, but in duty. I sit at the fire, aware of my next step.
I have to visit the Darkstalker.
Chocolate MC Nugget are good for your butt hole.
Next time on Dark Soul Babe to Dark Lord!!!
Will Superdude8 find out just how dumb his mission is?
Will he fall into the Abyss like a MORON?
Will he actually find the Darkstalker, and find out his “true” destiny?
(CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE PUBLISH THIS?!?!)