Last updated on August 7th, 2015
Part 5: Black. Iron. TARKUS!
Last time on Dark Souls Babe to Dark Lord! I danced through my least least LEAST favorite area of the game! Kill Queenlag! Played the bells in the school band! Fun times!
So yeah. Dark souls 2 is out now! How you guys like it? Pretty good? I haven’t created anything recently because of it, but I’ve beaten the game, and I have special days scheduled for both DS2 and Fextra-writing, so I’ll be back to posting these semi-regularly. I just time stamped this. In 2016, you’ll have people obsessing about Dragon Souls or Demon Souls 2, and I’m just sitting here asking how DS2 is. Now, for the writing!
I escape the terrible Blighttown, more than happy to be breathing un-dank air. I look over to the side, and see the ledge leads onward, deeper into the Valley of the Drakes. “Go.” The brain says, “Satiate your curiosity.”
“Really? The area’s called Valley of the DRAKES. As in small dragons. I’m more than happy to head home, thanks.”
I head through the door, which thankfully leads home. At first, I was upset. I didn’t recognize where I was, so I thought From was forcing me into another area that I’d have to conquer before I could go home. Then I realized, “Oh! Ghostville! Alright, cool. I know where I am.” After finding the giant “EXIT” sign, I breathed a sigh of relief, slowly traveling up the elevator.
I finally smelled the fresh air of Firelink Shrine, and breathed yet another sigh of relief. I was more than happy that I managed to get OUT of that poison hell. Hi, barred up la-!
Wait. What’s that?
I walked up to the sparklez lying on the ground, and saw that the lady was not at her usual perch. Upon grabbing the sparklez, I knew what became of her. She was murdered. Her clothing laid here, and a peculiar new item was also present, called the “Black Eye Orb.” I asked the Commander what this item’s use is, and although he did tell me, and most of you MUST know what its purpose is, I will not state it here.
I then entered a state of confusion. Who killed her? I was answered by the Commander sending me a meme about Lautrec. It went something like this:
“Well, who did it?”
I’d say that sums it up pretty well. Well, that little cuss! Oh well, it’s not that big of a deal. How important could she be?
TURNS OUT SHE’S PRETTY CUSSING IMPORTANT.
I stood over the now dead fire, crippled. It’s gone. My sanctuary is gone. My lifeline, my home. Gone. I tightened my grip on the sword (controller). I will avenge you, Fire Keeper Lady, even if it takes me 22 tries!! (Exactly).
So I moved onward, and by onward, I mean I talked to my favorite NPC, Crestfallen. “Hey buddy! How’s it going? What’s that? Something with putrid breath? Snores? What are you talking about?”
After hearing him swear that he’s going to “do something about it” (apparently hollowing is the something he’s going to do about it), I see the source of his whining. Kingseeker Frampt. A large, goofy, grossly teethed, primordial serpent. Sitting right in the middle of the used-to-be-water zone. Whatever. My life’s already so weird, what’s an immortal serpent, am I right?
So Frampt goes on to say that I’m the one destined to succeed Gwyn and take his place and blah blah blah, something about “fire” and “links” or whatever, but FIRST, he said, I had to acquire the Lordvessel. And where would the Lordvessel be? Why, only in Anor Londo! “And where is this Anor Londo?” somebody in the crowd asked. Why, only adjacent to DEATH CITY CENTRAL, that’s where.
So I walk to the Undead Parish’s bonbon and rested at it, sizing up the now open door to Sen’s Fortress (yes, that’s Death City Central, for those wondering). I run across the walkway, and find the strangely armoured knight to be gone. He must have entered this establishment earlier. If only he set off some of the traps, then maybe I wouldn’t have died so many times. Oh well.
I walked in, and made that mistake; yes, the mistake that everybody already knows I made. Pressure plate depresses. Three javelins find their home in my chest.
“Hey buddy! Mind if I make my home in your chest cavity?”
Hey, thanks man! Cuss, isn’t it nice here! Hey, Tommy! Suzy! Come on over! It’s nice and warm, wanna have a party?”
Sadly, the javelins partied too hard next to my vital organs, and I died seconds later.
Well that went well. Second round; I navigated around the pressure plate, and found the enemies of this area. Man Serpents. Guess who didn’t have enough poise damage to break their guard? Me. On a completely unrelated note, who do you think died here?
Oh, well aren’t you a genius.
Two tries later, I came up with a new, fullproof strategy. Aggro them, and while they’re chasing after you, set off the Javelin party-plate. With only one serpent to worry about, success was easily within reach.
But then, pendulums happened. I walked quite cautiously through the swinging death axes of pain. But then, I was discovered by another serpent. WHO WAS STANDING ON THE BRIDGE. I backed up, not ready nor wanting to fight him here. I realized I probably should have been paying more attention to the pendulums when one collided with my body, shoving me off the edge. I died upon reaching the floor.
Let me take this moment to say: If you’re going to do a tank build, get some vigor! (Or vitality? Whichever one ups health) A glass tank is an ___ tank, remember those words! (This has been a public service announcement from Superdude100001, professional at sucking)
Two days of real time passed. I’ve been using this time to farm some souls, and watch some lore videos about some areas/bosses/NPCs of the game. By this point, I knew who Ornstein & Smough were, (not how difficult they were) but ironically, not the boss of this area. I’ll learn soon enough.
I walk in, with some soul enhanced gear (thank god for the smithbox!). This time, I made progress. Would you be lying if you said I died at every pressure plate? No. Would you be lying if you said it took me three tries for me to realize I shouldn’t run UP the boulder path, but go down? No.
But I did get a lot for my troubles. Before Sen’s, I was wondering, “WHERE THE CUSS DO I FIND RINGS?!?” because I had these two, sickly ring slots looking to start a family. After Sen’s I had four. Also, the souls I recieved were AWESOME.
(Keep in mind I just condensed a week’s hardship into two paragraphs)
I made it to the fog gate, which led to some fresh air. I was thankful, because I FINALLY made some progress. Upon passing through, I found a giant, who was the source of those god awful boulders.
My exact, not-kidding words were, “A-are you hostile? No? Well, hey buddy!” *Wave* “Nice to see a friendly!” (I had not found Logan, and will not find him this playthrough.)
I walked through, seen the return of the Baldur knights, walked up the stairs, and was just about to grab a shiny when “OHMY(Insert religious deity of choice)WHATTHEBALLSFIREHOLYCUSSBOMBAAAAAA.”
I began to run, terrified, trying to grab the shiniez before the Lord of Nope rained down more hellfire. “ON NO, PLEASE NO, I CAN’T-oh, look, large titanite!, OH GOD, PLEASE NO, SWEET LORD OF SUNLIGHT, NOOOO.”
I passed onto the small overpass which leads out of the fire’s blast zone, but not before one of its bombs kills me. Great.
To my luck, I make it back in one piece, (which here means, “with no deaths”) and have the calm about to search for the source of the aforementioned fiery assault from above. “Well, well, well. The giants aren’t friendly after all.”
This time, there were no shiniez to distract me. I ran through the hellfire with ease, but instead of going to the overpass, I moved to the path leading to the larger
Baldur knight. Perhaps this one will be more gentlemanly.
Bowing ever so slightly, I placed my top hat to the side so I wouldn’t scuff it in the coming kerfuffle. I walked up to him, took off my manly glove, and slapped him with it, implying the wish to duel. This enraged him, and he drew his greatsword to accept my challenge. We circled around, sizing each other up, until the unproper ruffian decided to swing out of turn. I rolled quite clumsily out of his way until I was behind him; where I, oh-so gentlemanly, stabbed him in the back. We repeated this until he exclaimed “Uncle!” where I then took his life.
Grabbing my top hat and bejeweled cane, I merrily trotted to the next area, running into a new enemy along the way. He looked like your average knight, except he was holding a quick-as-balls rapier. Did this stop me? Not even slightly. With my Halberd of Superior Range he couldn’t get many hits in and soon died horribly, dropping his only possession in the process: Ricard’s Rapier. Was this knight Ricard himself? Who knows; I assume a knight prince would’ve done a better job facing a Halberd than that.
I reached the top of Ricard’s tower, grabbing my spoils, and returned to the fire bomb area. Sadly, Superdude8 forgot this area was home to hellfire, and soon died from his burns.
After four unsuccessful attempt at making it to the top of snake mansion, I made it to the fortresses’ roof. (Once again) I looked skyward to the hellfire giant. I cupped my hands around my mouth, “I WILL MAKE YOUR SKULL MY URINAL.” Expertly dodging the hellfire bombs, I made it back to the overpass, but stopped halfway across. “Could it be? The giant can’t hit me from here?” Again looking skyward, I saw the hellfire giant, dormant.
Knowing I was out of the giant’s range, I explored the overpass. (And the area I’ve neglected to mention until now). There was a large area where the overpass has fallen through, with another tower on the other side that, of course, I couldn’t see into. Science compelled me to jump, but did I? No, and I won’t this playthrough. (Why do I keep saying “this” playthrough?)
I ended the life of the arrow shooting Baldur, and found myself at the fog gate. There was an overpass to another tower, and stairs leading upwards. “Hmmm. What could be up those stairs, I wonder?” I will check the other tower, but for now, I have some unfinished business to attend to.
There he is, amongst his hellfire bombs. I walked out, shield up, wanting to learn this enemy’s moveset before gunning for his fleshy shins. Turns out, his method of attack is about the same as a seven month old: arms and legs flailing, but can’t really do anything about what ails him. I bury my blade into his shins, which enrages him to the point of smashing his hellfire bombs. (Interesting to think how different the fight would’ve gone if he actually USED those bombs). This tired the poor giant, and I used this time to comfort him with a few nice pats on the back (by which, I of course mean, I stabbed his butthole until he died from it). YES! The hellfire giant is no more!
More than chipper that I managed to kill my assaulter, I went to the other tower, and found Nothing. Okay, I guess. Whatever.
While leaving, I looked to the side, out to where the fog gate led. And standing there, greataxe in hand, was a whole lot of SOMETHING. A LARGE SOMETHING. Traveling into the fog gate informed me that it was an Iron Golem. Awesome. This is going to go well.
So after dying four times to the EDGES OF THE ARENA, I decide to instead lay some summon signs down so I can earn some experience to fight the boss, whilst not putting my character’s souls in immediate danger. I did this five times, and we succeeded in destroying the Golem three of those five times (Ooh, fractions!). Confident (and ignorant) as always, I popped a Humanity, prepared to face the storm. But first, I wanted to do a little more Co-oping, just to, you know, earn more and more and more souls, because I’m greedy like that. This far into Dark Soul’s life, getting a summon was, and is pretty difficult, so I waked around, farming the various shards off of the Baldur knights.
Bored to undeath, I went into that empty room from earlier, looking for some other’s summon sign (by this time, I was done waiting to be summoned, so I wanted to see if I could summon any others.) Laying across the table, was a sign, belonging to Black Iron Tarkus. Obviously not a player’s name. I summoned him, and prepared myself for battle. Had in-game summons been kind to me? No. But this was the exception.
We walked in, Tarkus, with confidence. I, with shame (deja vu, anyone?). As the golem slowly came closer, Tarkus charged forward. I stood back, watching the damage bar. Tarkus did insane amounts of damage compared to myself, and even staggered the golem a few times. I would stand in an area behind the beast, valiantly stabbing its ankles while Tarkus maniacally slashed at the same ankles. Near the edge of the arena, Tarkus managed to stagger the beast, and when it tried to regain its footing, it plummeted off the edge, dead.
It was at this moment that I passed out from the adrenaline. We shall now all pray, yell, scream, whatever you wish to do to exclaim your joy to the knight of black iron, for the good times he gave those who called upon his help. We thank you, Great Metal of Black, Tark onward, to new heights (and to new games).
After the boss had ended, there was a ring of an orange-y hue in the middle of the arena. I had no idea what this thing was; but I thought, since the white versions work like Miracle boost, the orange one would be Pyromancy boost. Sadly, I was not an owner of a pyromancy flame, so I could not test my theory. So you know what I did? I WALKED ALL THE WAY BACK TO FIRELINK SHRINE. Because I’m smart like that. Upon asking the Commander what to do next, he told me that “their should have been a way to Anor Londo there.” So, I WALKED ALL THE WAY BACK UP, returning to the site of the orange ring.
This time, the ring said, “Hey! Anor’s that way! Come with me!!!” I assure you, it was singing a different tune the last time I was here.
“Okay ring, I’m going to trust you, just don’t get any funny ide-WOAH. YOU’RE UGLY. Sorry, I didn’t mean that, honest!!! Wha-hey! Let go of me, where are you taking m-“
Then, I finally saw the majesty of Anor Londo. Home of the gods. Or god, as I would soon learn. After being dropped off, I walked down the steps, freaked out at the size of those Giants, and went to the bonfire, where I only half paid attention to the Firekeeper’s dialogue. “Mhmm, yeah; oh yeah, shattered window, yeah; gargoyle? Sure, why not? Yeah; nice talking to you!”
From there, I took a deep breath of fresh air, ready to face the new challenge. Getting inside the cuss place.
Next time on Dark Souls Babe to Dark Lord!
Will Superdude8 actually find his way inside?
Will we develop feelings for Solaire? (Oh, dear me, pretend you didn’t read that)
Will Superdude make yet another Amazing Chest Ahead joke?