Last updated on August 8th, 2015
Part 2: I decided to name the parts
When we last left off!!!
I learned how to play Dark Souls!! Triumphantly cheated through Taurus Demon! Burned to a crisp by Hellkite Drake! What fun!!
So yeah. There’s this Drake condescendingly staring at my soon to be corpse, and I decided that From CAN’T expect me to go through THAT thing now. I mean, I’ve only faced two bosses!! I don’t even have ranged weapons yet! (More due to derping through the Berg, not searching hard enough than not BEING far enough into the game) So I decided the Drake was not worth my time, or my deaths, and turned around.
From here, I walked all the way back to Firelink shrine, and gave it a more thorough search. First, I went downward, found the keeper (Whom I knew nothing about, or her implications to the shrine), was puzzled as to why she was there, and plunged into New Londo.
At first, New Londo seemed like the answer. I mean, those Hallows were as easy as the Asylum, if not easier! What could possibly go wrong??
I’ll tell you what can go wrong: Ghosts. Strange enemies in tattered robes, scythes for hands approached me from wherever they originated. I take a swing, cuts through like butter, only that butter was actually air. Uh-oh#1. So I back off, raise my shield in fear of the inevitable. Ghost cuts through my shield like MY shield was made of butter. Uh-oh#2. I panic; nothing, literally NOTHING I have can affect them in any way!! I’m so preoccupied with this fear that I don’t even notice the second ghost coming up behind me. This proves to be the third, and final, Uh-oh.
So New Londo wasn’t the way. Oh well, I haven’t explored everything just yet. The final area was past the strangely filled water area. “A graveyard, how quaint.” The skellies were a little more difficult than I was comfortable with, but I soldiered onward, carefully avoiding an unnecessary fight.
Eventually, after claiming the Zweihander and being brutally punished for my achievement, I found the entrance to the Catacombs. Another skeleton enemy greeted me at the entrance, but I was semi-prepared for this struggle. Sadly, our epic standoff was cut short by EXPLODING HEADS. Some skulls with a red aura around them came up, probably trying to see what the fuss was all about, and EXPLODED. Due to a perfectly okay-ish fight being ended in one fell swoop, taking out every single last drop of my health in the process, I decided the Catacombs was also not the answer.
So what was? I went back to the Drake, looking as smug as ever on his castle perch. I made a lot of obscene gestures, such as “point forward, heavy attack”s to throw him off this game. Eventually, I decided that From wasn’t screwing with me after all. This was what I was destined to do. The Commander told me this game was not for the weak, so maybe this is it. This is where I become, a man.
I slowly, slowly start to cross the bridge, finally to terms with my fate. If this is what From designed, then so cussing be it. Mr. Hellkite waves his head, fire and smoke curling out of his soon to be open maw. My fate had been sealed.
OR HAD IT¿? I found my salvation, which also happened to lead to progression!! Stairs, leading downward, away from the flames which had already begun sweeping the bridge of Hallows. I leapt, praying that I wouldn’t take damage. I did, however, take damage, tumbling down the stairwell in a heap of flame and shame. (And apparently rhymes) But it did not matter, because I made it! I finally found out where to go!!!
I activated the shortcut to the Berg, and relished in my newfound victory: competence. Here is where I first delved into the system of leveling up, with the trusty help of the Commander.
“So what exactly should I level up?” I asked. He then began to pour forth knowledge, “Well, vitality goes with health, and endurance with stamina. Strength and Dexterity both have to do with weapons, and Attunement, Intelligence, and Faith are for magic. Don’t use resistance, because it’s bullcuss. You should put points into all of them, honestly.” This bit of incredibly vague information led to my second biggest mistake all game. Sure, every stat is more than worth putting your souls into it, (Except for garbage resistance. Hopefully it has beefed up in DS2) but that’s not something you can afford to do. If you want a half decent character, you have to essentially put all your eggs in one basket, or at least invest heavily, (and by heavily, I mean 70+%) in one stat. My character was basically running around with every stat at 18 all the way to Anor, but we’re not there yet. Just remember that I had screwed up in aspect to levels, and that was my second biggest screw up this entire playthrough. What’s that? The first biggest, you ask? Patience, young grasshopper. Time will tell.
I went upward, taking much too many tries to get to the Undead church. (I really don’t want to talk about it) It was mostly due to the fact that I kept trying to go trough the front door occupied by three balder knights, not realizing the other way led to some much more manageable undead lackeys. Soon after, I met Andrei, the local Astorian blacksmith. Oh Andrei, if only you knew what was to come.
Mr. Demon Tity-nity deterred my progress into the area that lied ahead, so I went back to the church. I managed to kill off the larger Balder screw-up, and made it up to the Channeler, and slayed him with ease. I progressed to the fog gate, and entered, unsure of what I was exactly getting myself into. (The actual amount of time since I’ve went back to the church and actually found the fog gate: 2 hours, 30 minutes)
The roof of the church. I was even more scared when I got onto the church and found NO boss than if the boss just randomly swooped do-HEY LOOK AT THAT. Swooping downward, a wild Gargoyle approaches!
(Pok-e-mon music starts play-ing in the background)
Gargoyle used Halberd slash!
Superdude8 expertly blocks!
Superdude8 used maniacally-swinging-battle-axe-he-found-on-a-corpse-recently!
Gargoyle used Call-a-friend!
This isn’t Who Wants to be a Millionaire!!?
Gargoyles used fire breath!
It’s super effective!
Superdude100000 is out of usuable DarkSouls-mon!
Superdude100000 paid 5600 souls to the winner
Superdude100000 blacked out!
Superdude100000 rushed to the bonfire, keeping his DarkSouls-mon safe from harm…
After a brief Pokemon reference, I tried to fight the Gargoyles again, and again, and again, to no avail. It wasn’t like the fight was hard, it was that there were TWO of them. (And one of them was being dishonourable, breathing fire all over my gorgeous raisin face.) I consulted the Commander, and he answered the way he usually did. “Get better,” not exactly in those words, but it’s what he meant. I believe he had actually said, “This isn’t even the hard part. Just stay smart, roll when you need to, and pick your shots carefully,” which he honestly said about three or four other bosses as well as this one. Of COURSE I have to stay smart and pick my shots carefully. This is Dark S0uls. The entire game is built around being smart and staying smart with your shots.
I must of tried at least 20 times; at least to the point that I had a system going. Also, at some point, I found Lautrec, and just so happened to have his key on my person. I asked the Commander how I could get his armor, because it was golden, and I really liked it. He told me the armor’s not that great, but his ring was immaculate. He also told me that I should just kill him now, and take his ring. I did not heed his advice
That system I referred to earlier was: Up the stairs, strategically assault baulder cuss, bottleneck hollows, enter Gargoyle chamber, grab souls, (hopefully not) die. If I happened to find some liquid humanity during this time, I’d run back to the bonbon and hope that some signs would come to my aid. My crap internet makes it very hard to actually find anybody, and then, someone who can actively assist me. But, eventually, I did find a Dark Souls chum to cooperate with.
Some nameless brute came to my rescue, donning a ungodly length of greatsword. We casually walked through the church, and he strangely did not help in the smiting of the enemies around us. It was almost as if he was testing me, sizing me up, seeing if I was worthy for the grand circus I was about to unknowingly attend.
We passed through the fog gate, me, mentally already back at the Parish bonfire, him, preparing to make my bowels explode. (With happiness, not extremities) The adult Gargoyle appeared, and he charged straight in. Wielding the sword with both hands, (A strategy I thought to be extremely dangerous and not worth the risk) he charged in with a heavy attack, which brought the Gargoyle instantaneously to its knees.
I was both overjoyed and filled with rage. “How could he posses such power? Where’d he find that sword? What have I been doing wrong?” But I had no time to flesh these thoughts out. If I wanted to get any hits in, I had to act fast. The second, lesser Gargoyle came down, and my phantonic friend took a step back. It was almost as ifhe knew I wanted to slay this one myself. And so, I proceeded to attack the Gargoyle, in my own fashion which wasn’t at all as effective as my friend in the corner, spamming “Well? What is it!” And so I slayed him myself, and shared a tender moment with my new found friend.
A sadder tale of love then The Fault in Our Stars
I was extraordinarily thankful for what he had done, but this also spelled doom for me. This unnamed soldier of Jolly Cooperation became my gateway drug. Soon, I would come to rely fully on the power of phantoms, and this, I would come to learn, is almost as addictive, and destructive, as true drugs.
I rang the bell, proud of what I had done. (Yes, I was proud of myself for letting someone else do 66% of the work) While the bell tolls rung out across Lordran, I contemplated what Crestfallen could be referring to when he said, “Far below, in the ruins of Blighttown.” Obviously, my next stop was Blighttown, but how exactly I were to make it there was the question. Surely not New Londo, but the Catacombs? I could only pray that that wasn’t the way, although if it was, there really wasn’t anything I could do about it. I’d simply have to brave the dark, and the exploding skelly heads.
Next time on Dark Souls babe to Dark Lord!
Will Superdude8 find the entrance to Blightown?
Will he discover Lautrec’s ploy before it’s too late?
How will Superdude8 fare against the infamous Capra Demon?
Stay Tuned!! (Or, like, go to the next one)
Superdude8 = Superdude100000
Drake or Mr. Hellkite = Hellkite Drake
EXPLODING HEADS = Wisps
The Commander = Commander Shepard
Andrei = Andrei of Astora
Mr. Demon Tity-nity = Titanite Demon
Lautrec = Lautrec the Embraced
Phantonic friend = God