A Noob’s Journey: League of Legends

A Noob’s Journey: League of Legends

For quite a long time, I have heard the exploits of League of Legends. As I am sure you have too. It has become so known throughout the world that there are huge tournaments, and it is hard to not meet someone that plays it. So of course, with all the hype about a game that so many people spend all their free time on, one would want to play it to see what is so good about it. This is what happened to me. And this is what my first impression of the game was.

So my first week of LoL, without anyone telling me about it, was………saddening. Quite depressing really. It was rare for me to even go positive, or even get close to being even. The journey that I went through at the beginning was such a jumbled and absolute mess that I shan’t go on too long about it. Let us just say that it was filled with mind numbing torment and many people proclaiming how horrible a person I was and that I should go kill myself. For those of you that don’t know jack-diddly-squat about League of Legends, it is a MOBA type game. As in, Multiplayer Online Battle Arena. People go into their separate lanes going against each other, trying to destroy the others bases and get money so that you can become stronger than your opponent. You pick a champion, the person you will be playing as, and fight against each other, using the strengths of your champion to attack the opponent champions weaknesses, while trying to have your teammates cover your weaknesses. Such as an entire team of high-damage melee focused people will be slaughtered by a team with a tank to soak up all the damage, a mage to to multiple types of damage and debuff them, a support to heal and set up kills, and so on and so forth with different types of champions, all of which can be made to do different purposes(though most are just great at doing one type of thing). You play games where you get to selectively choose your champions to use to level up, and then buy more champions or bonuses for when you play in the form of runes. Then once you reach level 30(max level), you can compete for ranked matches in teams, which is how people initially get started in the tournaments.

But you aren’t here to hear me give an explanation of what this game is or an actual review of it. Nope, you guys are here to see how much of a noob I am at the game and laugh at how I suck(I don’t blame you, I really do suck). But let me tell you of one of my more successful times.

So this is what my average game of league is: I press play to go into the match-making queue to start playing a game. After waiting for a minute, I find I match!

Then someone forgets to press “Accept” on the match found screen and it starts over. Twenty seconds later, I find a match!

Which is then declined. This process repeats once or twice more until everyone finally agrees that it is a good idea to actually start playing League of Legends. So we go into the champion selection screen, and upon entering, in the chat I immediately see this:

StupidusernameFTW: adc

SexualusernameFTW: adc

JibberishUsernameThatWasProbablyMadeByPunchingTheKeyboard: adc

A debate then happens on who will be the AD carry on the team, with everybody ignoring any advice I give and eventually every slot is taken except the support slot…….You know, the one no one wants to do. So me being the ever so pleasant person I am, agrees to support and help the AD carry get some kills so that he may carry our team to victory. But me being the ever so unpleasant person I am I use my support that mid-way through the game switches to an assassin: Teemo. Yep. Teemo. For anyone that knows who that is, you know how annoying he is. Which makes him a great support for harassing the enemy team and helping my carry! But that isn’t the point of why I picked him. You will see my point later on.

We go into the game, with my AD Carry being Jinx: The new overpowered to all hell champion that I have seen in every game for two bloody weeks. So I and my ADC go to the middle of the lane, only to see my worst nightmare. The enemy support is Blitzcrank. AKA, the pimp of the League.

That hand must be kept strong.

Why, you ask, is he the pimp of the league? For one he walks like a pimp so much I wouldn’t be surprised if they made a skin for him that showed him with a fluffy hat, fur coat and a giant cane. But also because he just reaches out, grabs you by the neck, and pulls you straight into the enemy team with, most likely, no chance for escape. The only saving grace was that Tristiana was the enemy teams ADC, a champion that, as quoted by many people, does her job worse than everyone. Everyone.

For the first part of the game it is pretty standard. I harass a lot with darts, and usually immediately get grabbed by Blitzcrank and die horribly……….It happens about 4 separate times. But, my ADC got kills, so who cares if the tiny, useless Teemo dies, right?

Welp, once I reached level 6, that changed everything!

You see, Teemo, despite popular belief, is kind of useless overall. He runs in, shoots someone in the face, and usually dies immediately after because he is so squishy. Even in team fights one hardly notices he is there sometimes. But he has one saving grace: He can place down a mushroom on a spot that lasts for ten minutes. The mushroom is invisible, there is no limit to how many can be put down, and when it is stepped on by an enemy champion, the enemy takes damage over time and is slowed down. The first thing I grab is a Rabadon’s Deathcap, an item that gives the mushrooms pure damage, since I am still staying roughly in my lane at this time. No one is suspecting a thing, it is the usual teemo thing to do. Odd for a support to get it, but no one is complaining. And this is where my plan starts coming to fruition……

I start getting cooldown reduction. I can place mushrooms everywhere. Just keep plopping them down in a line. And the point of this strategy is to be deceptive. I notice that the enemy ADC, Tristiana, is alone in her lane, so I run up, shoot her in the face once, then run away. Obviously chasing me for the easy kill she thinks she can get, she soon steps on a mushroom. I take this time to shoot her in the face again. She presses on, not thinking much about it……when she hits another mushroom. And another. And I keep attacking her. She tries to attack me back before she dies, but! I have a frozen heart. Her attack speed is reduced further. She moves at the speed of a slug before she tries to run away, while I just sit back and watch as she runs into another mushroom for the kill. At this victory I immediately type into the chat for the enemy team to see:


Racistusername(Tristiana): f**k you

As you can see my strategy is beloved by all.

I just keep getting cooldown reduction, armor, health, slow, and damage. So that they can’t go ANYWHERE without landing on a mushroom, they keep taking tons of damage, can barely move, and when they see me and want to bash my face in they find that they are doing jack-diddly-squat to my health. They want to chase after a teammate of mine? They step on a mushroom and my teammate gets away. They want to go off by their self for a bit? They step on a mushroom, I see where they are, and I kill them. They want to gank my team from behind? They step on a mushroom, are all revealed, and we get away. Pretty soon the hate starts coming in, and some interesting conversations ensue.

StupidClanBasedUsername(Blitzcrank): how the f**k is the teemo tankier then me?

SirArchmage(Teemo): Skill.


Racistusername(Tristiana): I f**king hate you teemo!   stop putting mshrooms everywhere!

SirArchmage(Teemo): Aww, I love myself too! And don’t worry, there is plenty more of my mushrooms for you to eat!


GuyThatUsesHisLastnameForaUsername(Aatrox): lol this Teemo is such a fag. all he does is use mushrooms everywhere.

SirArchmage(Teemo): Hey, I don’t only use mushrooms everywhere. I also shoot you in the face. It is quite painful really, as I am sure you know.

GuyThatUsesHisLastnameForaUsername(Aatrox): wtever fag.

SirArchmage(Teemo): Fear my superior grammar skills!

This whole gambit went on for quite a while, with my somehow acquiring more kills then my supposed AD carry and most all my deaths being caused by a Blitzcrank that I got a bit too close to and pulled my right in the middle of the entire team…….

But then my team decided to grow a pair and push hard straight down the middle. My mushrooms prevented pretty mush any flanking that people tried to do, and the ADC Jinx killed pretty much everything that even looked at her…….which is pretty typical of Jinx. We went right on through and won the game, destroying the turrets and nexus is a quick rush! Oh, but of course, the Blitzcrank pulled me towards the base and got me insta-killed by it. Lovely.

And that is the average day of my Teemo build. A game filled with cursing, teammates that don’t do what they are supposed to do, and people that play just so they can annoy the enemy team(me). Definitely a game worth trying if you haven’t already(which if you haven’t, you probably didn’t understand a good portion of this article). And for those of you that play and know very much what I am talking about……..I accept all the well-deserved hate for my build, and can’t wait to show you another annoying build of mine!

Build that I did this with: http://www.mobafire.com/league-of-legends/build/-356457?revision&nocache

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3 comments on “A Noob’s Journey: League of Legends”

  1. Emergence says:

    Nice article Arch, really enjoyed reading it. I don’t get to play moba’s but I like spectating. Hope you liked my picture caption, it felt appropriate haha.

  2. Cas says:

    You actually made a MOBA seem interesting. Well done sir!

  3. Fexelea says:

    There’s many of my friends who are caught up on this game and none of them has ever been able to make me interested, yet your “I suck and it’s fun” has me wanting to know more!

    I hope this becomes a series!

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