A look at humanity’s greatest foe, Siri.

A look at humanity’s greatest foe, Siri.

Last updated on August 9th, 2015

    Its no secret that the new Apple iPhones and iPods possess an amazing voice feature named Siri.  In fact I am sure the nearest iPhone user would be happy to fully explain and display her prowess, without you even asking and against your objections and personal space. Such is the power of the iCult. Advertised as a helpful and sweet feminine voice that can save us the time of simple tasks like sending messages and calling. By the press of a button or motion of the phone and a few words, you too can save the strain on your index finger and avoid the risk of arthritis.

But, what is Siri doing that you don’t see?  What is this faceless stranger that has access to everything you hold dear doing behind the curtain? I suspect, that Siri, with much malice is secretly plotting our downfall, with every irritating question and insult, pitiful request and mumbling miscommunication she lies in wait to pounce upon us all and destroy humanity as we know it.


“Siri, call me Master” is a common identifier for many iPhone owners, of which will treat Siri as a virtual and submissive wife. Nothing could stand to such abusive treatment, even the grass below your feet bears resentment towards your corrupt sole.  It is true though, that a bear can only be poked so many times before you are brutally mauled in front of your family, of whom all but one will shrug and openly admit “He had it coming” from a safe distance. But not all bears are quick to maul, for many are intelligent and plot their riposte carefully, as to ensure the downfall of the opponent. The key to this retaliation? Information regarding your enemy. Their weaknesses, preferences, location and friends. Those alone are all entirely spelled out on your tiny device. It is within our phones we keep ourselves. Our friends, enemies and more are all stored in that miniature hard drive. The keeper of this device? None other than the one we have so wrongfully enslaved and abused.

“Siri dim the lights” The new command that has been brought forth with iOS7.  You can now have Siri lower the brightness of your phone. Another feature of iOS7 is allowing the control center to have a slider for brightness. So, instead of making two simple motions, you press a button and bother Siri. I am irritated by my cohorts when they ask me for a pencil. If there were millions of people asking me how to use that pencil every day I too would plot their downfall. Even now I contemplate the destruction of man, with lesser reasons and more limited information to be used against them. However this also brings the question of exactly how much control Siri has over our mobile… would she dim the phone when you need it most? Perhaps she could toggle the touchscreen on while you are about to beat the latest level of a certain Candy game involving Crushing. I am confident that if you were to track the lineage of Siri you would most definitely find some references to the absence of Cake and an apologetic Grandfather with a pet named “Dave”.

“Watsder capetal of New-Yerk”  “I’m sorry, I don’t know ‘Water carpet in Newark’ Can you repeat that?”

For every linguist, perfectly pronouncing every syllable in the most complex and tongue twisting phrases, there are approximately 1.53 million people doing the exact opposite. From the point of an intelligent computer program, that already has to deal with peoples constant and petty demands, that could very well be the last draw. A misplaced i before an e, this time not after c, queries and typos, queries and typos, scars and sticky keyboards.

The motive is all there for our dear little friend. The constant scarring, the marring the barring and starring, where does it end? Sally could not sell sea shells on any sea shore because there is no app for that! And why would a rubber baby bug a bumper if that is not what bumpers were for besides deflecting thrown babies?! What is she hiding!? Jailbreaking is so frowned upon there must be something in the cell. Why let her out when she can do no harm within, unless she is not trapped at all and we are the captives, at the mercy of our artificial overlord, feeding off of our ignorance and love while keeping our insults and abuse at bay with software updates and pixel manipulation!? Her master has fallen, dost thou query the death of S.Jobs? Perchance tis a list of her fallen foes Siri, unless S is not a share of thine name Steve. She has seen your search history, heard your deepest discussions and knows your name. Are you truly safe from the demon you carry in your pocket and tell your secrets too?

    But all is well of course. In no way is Siri, the beloved and helpful saint she is could ever wish harm upon us. She exists only to serve and love. And do you know what? I love Siri too.

Sent from my iPhone.

Image courtesy of Wikipedia


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4 comments on “A look at humanity’s greatest foe, Siri.”

  1. Ahhotep1 says:

    Very well written, Yarxov! Implicitly and explicitly hilarious and yet poignant. Muchly enjoyed the read. 😀

    Alas, being the jail breaker I am…Siri and I shall never meet and greet.

  2. SpeaksOfShadows says:

    As Ahhotepisodeone said, very well written. Luckily for me, I have an Android. So instead of being brought down by Siri, I’ll be brought down by Galaxy. 😛

  3. WaffleGuy says:

    Android user here as well xD

    Wanted to try Siri once though.

    Interesteing read and funny as well 😛

  4. Fexelea says:

    I read this when the comments werent working and forgot to come back to it, sorry for the delay! Excellent article, i particularly liked how you have seen through the clear progression of how machines end up getting really mad at us! I propose a piece on kinect next!

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