As we approach what we all expect will be the grand finale of the Dark Souls franchise, I return to the roots of the series after a hiatus of several years. Chapters 1 and 2 are in the books! After vanquishing the Taurus Demon and Bell Gargoyles, our hero sets his sights on…character development probably. If you’re ready for the 1880’s equivalent of a “Let’s Play” video, then let’s go!
CHAPTER 3: The Zodiac Killer
DJ Jazzy Jeff, after ringing the bell the Gargoyles fought so “valiantly” to protect, began to lose his sense of direction. Could the tale told to him by Solaire be true? Are heroes of centuries come and gone phasing in and out of this maddening world? Searching for answers, our hero decides to return to the Asylum in which it all began…by any means necessary.
Luckily, those means were easy as hell. A quick review of his surroundings shows a way up to a large nest. Perhaps the friendly crow could be of assistance again?
DJ Jazzy Jeff pretends to be an egg and finds himself soaring back toward the Undead Asylum with dizzying speed. Taking several seconds to regain his senses upon landing, he spies a small group of hollows bearing torches. What at first appears to be a welcoming committee, soon turns into a massacre. They probably would have came with welcoming fruit baskets and casseroles had they been given a chance to reconsider. Stepping inside the room where he vanquished the swollen heinie monster, two more hollows throw themselves upon his blade. Even as far gone as this, Jazzy feels pity for these miserable creatures as they howl in agony.
Relying on his course studies in castle architecture back when he was a lad in Thorolund, Jazzy assesses that the floor in this room does not look safe and uses the side of the room to go around and to the bonfire.
Seeking his old friend, he of the many keys, DJ Jazzy Jeff instead finds a mindless creature wearing his skin. Though their association was brief, he feels a profound loss as this former knight falls defeated for one last time. To honor his memory, DJ Jazzy Jeff totally rocks the shield the poor soul once bore so proudly. Looking for clues to this tangled mess, Jazzy finds naught but trinkets.
DJ Jazzy Jeff, resigning himself to the idea that this visit came only with grief (and a sweet looking shield), finds himself walking toward the cell where he spent countless days and nights. A dark figure stands in watch of his old lodging. The figure turns as Jazzy approaches and begins rushing toward our hero. The armor is the same as a solitary knight Jazzy barely gained victory over earlier in his travels which I might have forgotten to mention in Chapter 1. There’s no time to ponder about the purpose of this band of roving knights, as a large sword thrusts toward our hero’s chest. A quick roll saves his bacon this time, but the narrow corridor makes further dodging no sure thing, and bacon must be protected. DJ Jazzy Jeff readies his talisman. With a tremendous display of faith, he recites the words to invoke the miracle of “Force…”
A powerful shockwave flies out upon uttering the final word of the story. Dust from the ancient structure buffets the walls. The groaning of rock is heard and for a moment the walls threaten to collapse. The strange knight, however, is completely unaffected. DJ Jazzy Jeff is nearly able to get out the single word “s***,” as he takes a sword to the face. Drinking some tasty fire, Jazzy regroups and baits the slow attacks of the powerful knight. After numerous slashes to the spine of the foe, as well as some more healing fire, DJ Jazzy Jeff is rewarded with an impressive sword and strange rock. It appears to be like the stone the Blacksmith used to strengthen his broadsword, but red and larger.
Further investigation yields a small doll in his old cell. Jazzy collects this odd bauble to ponder the mystery of its appearance. He is sure there was no doll here before. Jazzy leaves the Asylum once more and embarks into the unknown, his hope for answers fading.
He makes his way back to Solaire but alas, the knight has revealed all he knows already. Fortune smiles upon DJ Jazzy Jeff though, as this brief reunion leads to a door that he previously had no key for. A quick search through his special key pocket reveals that he must have discovered the means to unlock this door at some point in his travels. It’s almost like the Solaire visit was nothing more than a plot device to explain why DJ Jazzy Jeff would head back that way…
A strange access path leads to a lower part of the Burg. where beastly creatures that may have once been dogs seek his flesh for their next meal. They are little trouble. Inside a small house, DJ Jazzy Jeff finds a trapped sorcerer. Not generally one to associate with a person aligned with these arts, Jazzy only briefly talks with this man after setting him free.
Soon after, a trio of assassins burst out of separate doorways, surrounding him. But DJ Jazzy Jeff has been to his fair share of neighborhoods such as this. Don’t ask why, but it rhymes with “bookers.” Anyway, he is ready for trouble and the assassins don’t stand a chance. Neither does the second group of three, or the pair later on.
DJ Jazzy Jeff spies a door shrouded in white light and braces for trouble as he steps through…
His “hunch” is correct. Two dogs and a large goat headed demon brandishing a large blade in each hand rush toward him. Running up a small set of stairs, DJ Jazzy Jeff hopes he can separate his foes. As one dog reaches him, it is quickly dispatched. As is the second. By this time the large goat headed demon is near. Jumping down (it’s not a far drop), our hero is able to find breathing room. By which of course I mean “a safe distance to lob firebombs from.” Through cleansing fire and the sweep of his steel, DJ Jazzy Jeff is victorious again! Oh yeah, attempting to use Force here went “bad.” More specifically, “catastrophically, machete-to-the-face bad.”
Jazzy is rewarded with another key, but no answers.
CHAPTER 4: A New Quest
Our hero, seeking direction, heads back to chat with his cleric friend Petrus, and perhaps buy more miracles. To his surprise (not mine), DJ Jazzy Jeff finds three newcomers. Reah of Thorolund needs no introduction. An explanation might be nice though. In DJ Jazzy Jeff’s time, she’s naught but a portrait and lines of text on scrolls recording her house’s history. That’s right, DJ Jazzy Jeff is from the future. Mind. Blown. Jazzy tries to speak with her, but she appears to be focused on her mission. He learns little more than that she will be accompanied into the catacombs below by her three companions (Petrus and two newcomers who seem to be retainers for Reah).
Not wanting to cramp their style, DJ Jazzy Jeff prays briefly with the group and then sets off to the forest. Heroes that pray together, stay together. Except in this case I guess since we didn’t. Anyway, DJ Jazzy Jeff is surprised to find that the very trees in the forest seem to work against him. Making his way through the cursed vegetation and weird oversize frogs he finds the scattered belongings of past warriors. Like those before it, this place is filled with death. Only the feeble light from a strange species of flower serves as a reminder that there may have once been true life in this land.
AUTHOR’S SIDE RANT: It really irks me when people insist on calling the tree enemies “Ents.” Ents are sheperds of other trees. Ents are incredibly large on average and absurdly strong. Ents can talk to other races. If they were swiping from Tolkien (never a bad idea), they’d be Huorns. HUORNS! GOT IT! Huorns are smaller than Ents and can move quickly. They have abilities that promote stealth and according to Treebeard have become “wild and dangerous.” For ****’s sake, if you HAVE to go the Tolkien route, call the things Huorns already. NOT ENTS. Or if you actually give a crap, call them Jubokko. Go ahead and read that link if you don’t mind. Now, we should be able to say that they devolved from the gardeners. Note the game specifically indicates that the gardeners were “scarecrows.” Sure they misspelled it, but that’s a pretty clear origin. They lost direction, saw a lot of bloodshed and became more tree like. Further note please that the f’n things jam vines into you which then just kinda hang out for a minute. Maybe like they’re taking your blood? Next, Chopping a Jubokko apart can yield something that can heal or decontaminate a person? Now that’s a damn “CHECK” if I’ve ever seen one.
A felled statue warrants closer inspection. DJ Jazzy Jeff alarms at the tremble of the statue as it rises from the ground. A large stone knight stands before him. It tells him a short story, which is kinda nice. But in reality it’s actually a miracle slowing his ability to move. Which of course kinda sucks. Jazzy’s sword ricochets off the knight, creating naught but small chips of damage. Jazzy manages to move outside the range of the miracle and runs into a narrow corridor in the rock. He finds a ramp upward and another statue rises from the ground. Bravely fleeing past, Jazzy finds a ring at the edge of a cliff. With two stone knight pursuing him, he makes a leap of faith (get it?) and finds himself near the beginning of the forest. He turns around and flips off the knights who are unable to pursue. Or at least that’s what I’d like to have done, but the gestures aren’t quite there yet.
DJ Jazzy Jeff continues to explore the woods, away from the animated stone figures. He finds the remains of a knight. As he moves in to inspect them he finds familiar armor It’s that of his friend who provided the means to escape the Undead Asylum. Before this conundrum has time to set in, a low grinding sound appears. It is accompanied by the rustling of many leaves. A group of stone knights and trees rush toward Jazzy. He retreats and fights off the trees. Jazzy bravely runs by the stone knights again, into a small building. Yet another stone knight is activated. Spying a glowing sign on the ground, our hero calls for help. Moments later, he is greeted by a comely lass wearing the raiment of a witch. Despite misgivings about her life choices, Jazzy marvels as a small flicker of blue light fells the nearest stone knight instantly. The remaining knights wisely back off. Definitely because of the Witch (Beatrice). Not because they reached the end of their AI patrol range or anything…
The duo ascends several flights of stairs before finding a familiar white light blocking the way. They enter and hear the flapping of wings. Very big wings. Looking up reveals a giant horned butterfly, magnificent in its beauty. Then it starts shooting beams of light and everyone’s like “What an asshole that butterfly is.” Unable to strike the aggravating flying insect, DJ Jazzy Jeff rolls and blocks and generally looks foolish. He looks for an opening to strike.
Beatrice stands calmly in the face of the buffeting gusts made from the butterfly’s wings. She just kinda stares at it for awhile. Almost as if to say “Don’t knights usually protect the maidens?” Then she stares at it some more. Jazzy keeps rolling and blocking. Beatrice keeps staring.
Finally, she lifts her staff up high and blue light erupts toward the butterfly. Almost as if to say “Fine, f*** it…I’m sick of this s*** already.” Each bolt of blue light visibly weakens the butterfly (seriously, she’s a beast in this fight). As it lands to recover, our valiant protagonist playfully swipes at it with his broadsword doing somewhat pitiful damage. As the butterfly fades into nonexistence, Beatrice returns to her world. She fades, almost as if to say “Call someone else next time, jerk.”
Fun fact, Beatrice can spawn with different hair colors.
At the top of the tower the butterfly was protecting, DJ Jazzy Jeff finds an ember housed in an…ember house? Casing? Olympic torch? Anyway, the ember is in some cube of ember holding. More importantly than what to call the house/casing/Olympic Torch, is that it promises to imbue weapons with the power of the GODS THEMSELVES! For a holy knight, this is seriously the bees m’er-f’n knees!
Our hero runs excitedly to show Andre, as he’s located quite conveniently near the forest.
DJ Jazzy Jeff runs up to Andre as if to begin dialogue.
Andre is all like “I see you have an ember there”
Jazzy goes, “Wow, I was gonna say that but you already knew somehow”
Andre’s all “Yup.”
Jazzy’s like “Cool”
Andre goes “Can I have it”
Jazzy exclaims “Totally!”
“Can I help you with anything else?”
Jazzy’s all like “Make my trusty broadsword divine yo”
Andre goes “You need a green shard”
DJ Jazzy Jeff elects to return to Firelink (the place whose name I’ve repeatedly forgotten to throw out there…) and see if his Thorolund friends are around so he can share the good news. And maybe bum a green shard off them. He finds only Petrus, lamenting the loss of the rest of his group. He seems despondent. DJ Jazzy Jeff seemed to recall his history scrolls saying something about Reah getting out of the catacombs. He refuses to give up hope. He swears to find her, but first seeks a holy blade.
Saying an urgent prayer, he hopes that some divine entity will reveal the location of a green shard to bless his sword. His prayer is answered by one of the most omniscient gods.
So then he went to the depths, killed a couple butchers (I got the sack…woot!), freed Laurentius (seems like a good guy) and farmed green slimes until he got a green shard…
Is it called a “Fire pot?”
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